Things I've Learned from Clinic: Week 1

1. I'm smarter than I thought.
2. Hand rub/wash is my new OCD/BFF.
3. Little old men love me.
4. I'm stronger than I knew (both mentally and physically).
5. I could not have picked a better profession.
6. My joy is instantly amplified 50x by working with real patients.
7. Hospitals aren't as scary as you think.
8. I still know at least half of Rome, GA.
9. I work best when a new challenge is sprung on my suddenly (when I don't have time to "stress out" about it)
10. There is no time to STRESS about this job when you have people's lives/well being in your direct control.
11. I love to read patient's charts.
12. I love to read patient's charts and actually understand most of what it says.
13. I love to ask questions, look up answers, and consult with collegues.
14. Its cheaper to eat in the hospital than it is to bring it from home, and the food isn't half bad.(so long as you stick to the salad bar ;))
15. I'm a pretty observant clinician.
16. Lines and wires are alot easier to be cognizant of when they are actually stuck into someone.
17. I am VERY good at reading people and accommodating myself to their individual needs.
18. I LOVE THIS JOB.
19. My life is pretty much going to consist of waking up, going to work, going to work out, eating, & sleeping...and I'm kind of okay with that.
20. I am a fast typer, a quick learner, & I write a pretty darn good eval.
21. On that note, I can recall a startling number of abbreviations considering what that class was like....
22. I dread returning to the class room, but I'm kind of excited to put this new confidence to work.
23. I am more confident in the real world then I am in the classroom, alls I need is someone who believes in me. :)
24. I can hoist alot of LBS, even with this gimp ol' knee.
25. The elderly say the darndest things, and I love every minute of it.
26. You never know who you'll meet or the stories they'll tell.
27. Listen to every word the patient's family tells you, even if it sounds like nonsense, there's bound to be some tid bit that's important or if not they'll atleast know that someone cares
28. Hold a hand if you need to.
29. Baby dolls = instant calm.
30. I am a witty little lady.
31. I hope to be half as spritely as these individuals in my 90's.
32. I am so thankful to have a loving husband and the future promise of many loving children.
33. My loud voice is one of my best assets.
34. I'll never bite my nails again.
35. Scrubs are also my new BFF.
36. I have never felt so sure of anything in my life as I am of this.
37. Pulling charts is like playing a game of hide and seek.
38. Patient's is a virtue.
39. Physical therapist treat EVERY sort of patient, and when we get an order to come see you, that's a GOOD SIGN.
40. Even incoherent patient's will let ya know when they're in pain.
41. Any hospital that has pellet ice and an espresso machine is alright with me.
42. I am more capable than I thought I was, can handle way more than I imagined, and am always a few steps ahead of each of my patients.

Yep, I am cautiously optimistic that this just might be what God put me on this Earth to do (this and being a mother of course :)).

reclaim

 "Messages" - Xavier Rudd

Upon living with myself for the past 23+ years and having just recently watched a slew of home videos of the "littlest" Lauren I can without a doubt say that since the moment I learned to talk (i.e. around the time my little sister was born) I have been nothing short of stubborn. As a child my stubbornness took form by way of selfishness and the inability to share..as an adult it has morphed into an inability to "just let things go" or conform to the ways of the world. I have learned that with this mentality comes a gigantic tendency to get myself into trouble. I understand now that there are both good and bad aspects to my hard-headed sensibility. Good in the sense that I know what I want, for the most part know who I am, and without a doubt can thoroughly and clearly express myself to all of those around me. However, it is most definitely bad in the sense that I have an incredibly hard time relinquishing control of anything, letting go of things that, however asinine, just do not matter, and in general have a very hard time admitting when I am wrong. This stubbornness has always been combined with a voracious need to love others and be loved fully in return. I am determined to saturate those I am around in joy, so determined that this oftentimes turns me into a chameleon of sorts. I know that this is, in the long run, detrimental to my true self and so I have decided it is time to rid myself of negativity. This a public declaration of sorts of my intention to put an end to speak negatively, of other first and foremost & also of myself. To stop putting others down, stop gossiping about that which I know nothing about, and also to stop supposedly building myself up while putting others down. I would like to embrace that little one, so filled with love, thoughtfulness, & intrigue, that I was before I learned to speak. To truly love myself and this life so much that all I want to do is express it to others, regardless of the return. Most importantly, I want to learn to love to share and share of myself freely, as if it were second nature.
I want to become the me I see in my home videos. Reclaiming innocence, reclaiming me.

i've got dreams to remember

"Into The Mystic" (Van Morrison cover) - The Swell Season

I've had so many dreams, throughout the years, of who and what I would one day like to be. When I was younger I can remember saying that I wold like to one day be architect. I'm not really sure where that idea came from. I mean I loved lincoln logs, those cardboard building bricks, and my brother's legos as much as the next elementary school child but it wasn't something I'd say I was particular passionate about.

I cannot even say that my dreams were really those of a tangible, occupationally defining manner. I'd say they were more glimpses of someone else's life that I just knew I would like to someday become. Watching the varsity soccer team when I was in seventh grade and knowing one day that I wanted to be "the heart of the team." Going to my first cross country practice on that summer morning before school began and realizing I craved the competitive adrenaline that coursed through my veins. Idolizing the senior highs in my youth group, enraptured by the way their voices rang out to the Lord, craving a relationship with something more than just this. Craving the faith and honesty I saw in the newness of it all, the freedom and joy of believing without guilt, knowing and realizing the potential of a personal relationship...becoming a woman of God.
Dreams I had that came to define who I was to those around me, dreams that not just define you on the outside but transform all your insides as well.

I have dreams even now. Dreams that are conjured both from past experiences (to sing again, to share my heart, to re-ignite and become a woman of God) and those that come with the transformation from child to adult...

Comprehending potential and wanting more from yourself than ever before...
dreams of becoming a better, more diligent, loving, inspiring, and selfless wife

dreams of becoming a competent, well-rounded, professionally joyful practicioner

and most importantly, dreams of becoming a mother...with infectious energy and a calming spirit.

most of all I dream of maturity, moments of serendipity, a mind filled with prayer, days of serenity, taking a deep breath, taking a step back, thought-filled freedom, forgiveness & running free.

"Good Life" - OneRepublic




 

"Even If It Breaks Your Heart" - Will Hoge

Keep on dreamin' even if it breaks your heart
even if it trips you up, even if spontaneous maturity
forcefully captured, the beauty of your youth.
Even if it steals your breath, even if you momentarily forget
how to take a one
even if you question everything, especially then
keep it up.
Even when you lie in bed, awake until the morning light creeps in,
scaring you finally to sleep
even when you sleep til' well past noon, even if you feel the moments slipping carelessly away
even wasted, when wasting, even if he wastes the very best of everything you thought
you knew,
even if you question yourself, especially then
keep it up.

"Name" - Goo Goo Dolls
Absolve
Absolutely.
And love really is what its all about, really is the simplest answer.
The easiest cure, quickest of all pills to swallow.
Living life sort of backwards, learning--now, how to live without regret
Regretting only that negativity itself is captivating, recapturing
my
self.
And even when sometimes, you can see yourself laughing from the outside
And even when sometimes, those phone calls are never returned, words never answered
You are learning to find a smile, reclaiming that which was your claim.
To know and be forever, known.
Giddily lept into arms, clasped
wrapped, weeping wonder
rapture
raptured--left forever, what once
never ever could have been.
Running, dancing, dreaming, living, filled with--the stuff of it.
To live it and forget that you ever once just could
not breath.
Just breath. Find belief. Take hold of it and
reclaim.


After all of this I'm always still just one step away from it.
Reclaiming me.

Sunday Snapshot: abilities

Today as I was making the hour and a half trek back home from my sister-in-law's I stopped along the way to pick up Panera old faithful for dinner. :) Although I do enjoy the epic sing along that occurs in my car on any and every drive I got just a little bit antsy and with it resulted one of my few hidden talents.

Yes my friends I am one of those few, one of the proud who can indeed wear a spoon on the tip of my nose. With the commencing of said spoon wearing I began to think about all of the random special anatomical abilities I possess.

There's the crossing one eye ability.

Bending my middle three fingers at only the most distal (closest to the tips) joints.

And then of course the platisma (tendons of the muscles in your neck) pop out routine.

Not to mention the undocumented gerbil-like throat noise. It gets'em every time.

As I thought about all of the random this and thats I can do with my body (which I like to think are pretty cool). I started thinking about all of the bigger life special abilities I possess. 

Like my extraordinary ability to consume inordinate amounts of coffee.

Or how I cannot just jot down a quick "Thank You" note, I feel the need to make each and every one personal and poetic. 

And along the same lines how I really can write some pretty poetic things sometimes. And how those things can give me chills when I read them back later on.

How I have this uncanny ability of making my voice carry for miles without even trying, really.

How I can form very deep, immediate bonds with people--how I prefer to be a part of the few, not the gaggle or school.

 How I know it in my bones that home is really where the heart of life is. Or how I have the reflexive ability to remember words of song I've heard two or three times; or even words of songs I heard some 15 years ago...
"I'm goin' down to the library, gonna get a book check it in check it out. Gonna say "Hi" to the dictionary, gonna get a book check it in check it out..." Yes. As a matter of fact that was our Kindergarden graduation song. :)

How I'm directionally challenged (while my husband is a living, breathing GPS), how I have a compulsive need to chomp ice, how I am lacking in modesty, reservation, and even sometimes discretion. Sometimes things that are seemingly shortcomings, are really blessings in disguise. And sometimes things you wish were abilities, well sometimes I've just gotta learn the hard way how to grow up and out of said temperamental habits.

What are your hidden (or not so hidden) talents and abilities?

Sunday Snapshot: firsts

Yesterday my sister-in-law (Annie) and I threw my other sister-in-law (Maggie) her very first shower for her very first little one. This will be my very first nephew and it was also the very first shower I have ever helped throw. It was also the first time I've seen Maggie since she has begun to "look" pregnant. I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas whenever I think about my nephew being born. It's that childlike excitement I was kind of worried you grew out of as you got older. The kind that fills up your whole stomach and you can't help but chatter and sing really loud just thinking about them. I've just realized that God saves that feeling for us as adults for those really big, life changing, joy-filled moments so that we don't take them for granted. He's pretty smart like that.

Annie and I decided to use baby books to decorate with. Considering that my future children are pretty much my number one favorite thing to daydream about I knew exactly which books I wanted to get for my little nephew, the same ones I loved growing up and the same ones I imagine reading to our kids one day. :) I was only able to find two of them yesterday, but it's already got my mind turning about a few used book store visits in my near future. (When did and why are children's books so goshdarned expensive now??? $8??)

"Goodnight Moon" and "The Poky Little Puppy"

I also made the cupcakes. :) She is decorating his room in a nautical theme so I had fun decorating with sailboats and greens and blues.

And of course no baby shower (or blog entry) would be complete without my two favorite little ones making an appearance.

Sportin' Aunt Gie Gie's boots

And then Isabella took some time to take a few artistic photos of her own. I gave each one it's own title for posterity's sake (whatever that means). :)

"Emerging Aunt Lauren" - Isabella, age 4

"Dino at my Feet" - Isabella, age 4

"Princess Shoes (Ariel view)" - Isabella, age 4

It's hard to explained just how blessed we are as a family. Or just how adorable my sister-in-law is pregnant with her cowboy boots on. :)

I am so thankful for all of the little ones and the little ways God continues to whisper his intent for me in life (as a mother). I also know that as much as I would like to expedite the process, he is also making it glaringly clear that we've both still got a little growing up to do (oh you know and a little schooling to finish).

Jason's parents came to spend the night with us last night and his mom and I spent some time talking about everything, including my parenting dreams. I talked to her about my dreams of adopting, of overseas adoption and special needs adoption and I can't help but be continually thankful for how simple the seed that was planted by a little blog called Ni Hao Ya'll has grown in my heart to be an assuredly hopeful truth in our future. Again, funny how God works in the most mysteriously simple ways. I also accidentally spilled the beans about one of our baby names...yes sometimes I get a little carried away with the excitement of possibility. But it was one of those serendipitous moments that could not be ignored, and the look on her face and truthful assurance in her voice as she spoke of the testimony in the name made me even more sure than ever of God's working in our hearts...

Chaotically Imperfect (even in the silence)

"Dear Chicago" - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

Sometimes all I wish
is for my wondering mind,
in all it's crafting, perplexing artistry--
sometimes I just wish it'd be still.
and I wish for these antsy hands, with their fumbling, finicky fingers
to grab hold of each opposing and maybe just rest for awhile.
and these roaming eyes with their far and away glance,
and this bumbling mouth with its sputtering lips and spitfire tongue--
I wish they'd all just come to a consensus on an extended vacation, buy a one way ticket
to an island real far away. and maybe they could even share a cocktail
and a room with a sign claiming, "Do Not Disturb", rent it out on an extended stay.

Sometimes I just wish
for a little rest for an overdriven mind, maybe just a little soothing of these callused hands.
It'd be nice to spend a day with a pair of future-focused eyes,
and lips with just a little more mature assurity.

Sometimes I just wish for a moment to just be quietly,
a moment to breath and give thanks.

The musings of a joyful girl (who often thinks a little too much)

 "Keep Breathing" - Ingrid Michaelson

I do believe, and I hope you'd agree that our minds are the strongest of our assets.
They decide and determine each of our movements from birth to our very last breath.
They are the means by which we conclude just who we dream to be, and through which these dreams are originally devised.
They are where we formulate the first syllables of the words we've heard;
where we've spent the first year stumbling through the muddled mess of baby speak to find expression, in ourselves.
This mushy mess of mater is where we hide our darkest secrets, where we go to pray, and somehow we manage to keep in there a memory of each and every other we've ever been, or seen, or wished to know.
The most incredible thing, to me, is that sometimes a memory, a want, or a yearning can come on suddenly...so powerfully as if out of thin air and overtake every single cell that might have been just moments before consumed in something else. How a scent, a sight, or a single note of a single song can elicit such an immediate and seemingly intuitive response that we have little choice but to acknowledge and...if we close our eyes long enough, relive it. Our simple minds also have the incredible ability to overcome the hardest of hardships; to shut down if it becomes too much for our meager bodies to handle; to protect us from the ignorance of others or better yet from ourselves.
It is our most precious container. A place where sometime things get a little jumbled up in there and a cloud of confusion is sensed amidst the normalcy of life. We sense that things are just a little bit askew.
In there we suddenly become violently aware of our bodies ability to live, and the beat of our heart, the pacemaker of thought, starts to race and likewise our thoughts do the same. And sometimes it decides that we are suddenly afraid of breath, because with it comes the reality of world that just does not seem to correlate with what we've thought of as right. Because inside our minds is ingrained the truth of how things ought to be.
Inside the mess of gray there are clearly written blacks and whites (the wrongs and the rights) and although we were taught from an early age to share and use kind words; there is some things deeper within our synapses that causes such an uncomfortable churning in our stomach, such a twinge in the muscle fibers of our heart that we know that we were meant for something so much more than this. And that even when all is right within the world, that it is still unwell.
Somehow, even when we cannot see or hear or speak of the uneasiness. Somehow, somewhere inside these brains of ours we know that this beautiful Earth was intended for something much more than it's current use.

We have the power to engage in life in such a way as God intended. To really give of ourselves completely, to everyone else. To really imprint permanently, positively in a way that those who come after us will be unable to ignore. To use our greatest assets in such a way that those around us know exactly what that uneasiness inside themselves in. So that they may not be lacking in the truth of Love in all of its capacities. Because we have an infinite ability to give Love and spread Love because His Love itself is infinite.

oh life.

"The Gambler" - fun. 

I think it's pretty incredible that you can meet someone and that an initial kinetic energy, a quick catch of the eye, and a subtle touch of skin as you share a laugh can turn into something so solid--something so sure that they promise to take care of you despite every one of your short comings and you are so sure of that promise that you take their name. From the moment we are born we take our father's name with the assured promise that our daddies will be just that, our daddies no matter what. Through all of the late nights spent rocking us back to sleep to the harsh words and spiteful actions of the teenage years. The love and security of a daddy is something that cannot be compared. And still we meet the one who carries us safely out of that childhood security blanket and into an awakened understanding of self. Of self with that someone else. And you finally understand just how, or atleast you hope to, your mom and dad loved each other so much that they were capable of creating and loving you. Because the loved contained between the two, between the ones who share a name, is just too much not to create something bigger and better than the two of them alone...and so the sacred cycle of life continues and two become one that then "once upon a time" become three.

Mission Statement

I will do this.
"Secrets" - One Republic

I will fulfilled, for once, a desire laid deep inside that I've yet to push myself towards.
"Don't Rain On My Parade" - Glee Cast

I will accomplish this, through every drop of sweat, every stitch in my side, & every cramp in my lung.
"Don't Stop Me Now" - Queen

I will prove this to myself.
"I Want Something To Live For" - The Rocket Summer

I will prove the breadth of my strength.
"Pride" - Syntax

I will do this for her. Because she never had the chance; her joy has permanently infected my soul.
"Street Lights" - Kayne West

I will banish all laziness and self-deprecating thoughts; I will embrace the beauty of me.
"Do Better" - Say Anything
 
I will accomplish all that is set before me with a renewed zest for life.
"Soldier" - Ingrid Michaelson

I will become the woman I would hope for my children to have.
"Psalm 145" - Shane & Shane

I am going to thrive on the blessing of each and every breath. Starting now.
"Hills and Valleys" - The Rocket Summer

big picture

"Do You Know The Way You Move Me"  - Cory Asbury

sometimes things go unnoticed until you take a step back and put the "big picture" into focus. once you can step away from all of the world and its constant buzz of activity and just take a look at the snapshots and moments in life you've captured. sometimes you'll realize that there were serendipitous moments left their for you that weren't meant to be discovered until you took a second glance. sometimes there are things we just cannot get until we've had a little more experience. a little more time to acknowledge the true importance of those little pauses in life that you felt compelled to stop and appreciate something you didn't even know was there.

sometimes, even still, we are taken by surprised and brought to a moment of complete transformation and revelation; even by something as simple as a hike, on a trail, on a random day, nothing particularly life changing...sometimes it can really make you stop and suddenly everything, everything and everyone really important comes sharply into focus.

Psalms 77:3 "I remember you, O God, and I groaned; I mused and my spirit grew faint. Selah"

this says it all

"Seal Beach" - The Album Leaf
Our professor read this to us the first day of class and it meant little to nothing to me then. Just about 10 weeks later, it means everything to me. I have grown weary of our time in the lab and yet I am so grateful for the experience. I know without it I would not have discovered the depth of my empathy, the intensity of my fears, nor would I have learned so permanently half the things I have in these few summer months. I want to put this here as a reminder of the beginning of my experiences in graduate school. I want to be able to come back to it, even years from now and remember, vividly, what it was like; the good, the bad, the raw, the reality.

The Book I Couldn’t Buy
by Emily (Isaak) Schindler

I remember the difficulty we had with the electric saw that day. A professor had to come over and help us. There was smoke, the blade was turning brown, and you refused to yield to his heavy-handed attempt. He stopped, turning off the saw. “There’s your problem.” A wire, covered by connective tissue, had been used to rejoin your sternum after open-heart surgery. I remember thinking that it didn’t look very elegant--I briefly wondered if the surgeon had misplaced the real wire, forgotten the real technique, and instead taken a paperclip, wrapped it around the bone, twisted it a couple of times, folded it down, patted it, and closed you back up. It just didn’t seem very official.

We scoured you for clues. Your heart, large and broken, told most of the story. Neat blue stitches anchored vessels borrowed from your inner chest wall and your leg to your failing heart. The thick, muscular wall of your left ventricle invoked thoughts of strength, thoughts I knew were wrong--your heart was weak. Your left atrium exploded. It simply wasn’t there. Your heart failed you and your aorta followed suit.

I’m sorry. I really am. I remember looking at the impersonal card hanging from our table and thinking almost 90 was a nice, solid age to live to. Perhaps you had a taste for steak, indulged in dessert, and drank beer. Maybe you just ate too much. I would have gently told you that your weight was a little too high, that you would feel better and live longer if you changed your eating habits. I would have also remarked on how lucky you were to be so strong still--your muscles are all so long, large, and defined. It’s just that you’ve got a little too much fat on top of all that. Your prostate is enlarged. It was probably a nuisance. But that’s no matter now.

Maybe you tried to change. Maybe you did change. I can’t know. Won’t know. It’s odd, knowing things about you no one else knows. Your obturator artery comes off your inferior epigastric artery. The arteries feeding your large intestine were truly unique--from everywhere to everywhere. The instructor told us not to even look at them, lest we get confused. None of this really matters to you, I know.

Wildly variant minor arteries probably weren’t going to change who you were as a son, lover, student, employee, citizen, father, man. Fortunately, you saw that they might change who I would become as a physician. I wonder if you knew what would happen to your body, if you understood the violence that would be done to it. I have a feeling you did. I’m guessing you knew that we would separate you layer by layer, bone by bone, and learn you inside and out. You knew we needed you. You knew I needed you.

Your body was the book I couldn’t buy, the class only you could teach. You knew it and that’s why you were there. Now I know it, too.

dissected

In lab class today we dissected the heart. A human heart to be specific.
I have to say that this entire dissecting experience has been quite the myriad of thoughts, emotions, and experiences. After the first day I came home and bursted into tears in Jason's arms. The reality that this was once a person with his own family and his own thoughts. To think of him doing his daily activities, like putting on cologne or hugging his grandchildren; reading a book at night as he fell asleep or drinking his morning cup of coffee. Yes, it was a bit too much for me to handle, the finality of it all.
Both of my teachers were incredibly intuitive to this and expressed to me that it was not only normal but imperative that I feel this way. They told me to never loose that empathy and compassion for others. It made my heart swell to realize that what I considered to be a weakness was actually a rare gift I'd been trying to suppress.
It makes me think on all of the experiences through high school and college that tried to rip and tear away my compassion. Because in this worldy world it is greater to be soulless then to be overwhelmed by the weight of souls. And these realizations, these ideas are the ones that must be stuck. These are the kinds of life points that are necessary to write down. To be remembered, because no child should ever have to think that in order to survive they must "grow a tough skin".
I am so grateful, then, for the dread I feel every day I have to delve deeper into this human body; because the weight of the unknowns in this man's life weight heavy on me. And I am constantly aware of the gravity of how precious the soul is as I peer into each cavity of this shell. Because without our soul we are nothing but this, something to be cut up and examined. And yet, as I put my hands into his heart, I am still incredibly amazed with every turn of an artery and every tightly clinched valve at just how intricate and perfectly placed every single aspect of us is.

"Thursday" - Asobi Seksu

good mornin'

The innate ability of our hearts to forgive.
The sensitivity, the leaning towards compassion that is undeniable.
How we cannot bare to think upon the reality of suffering, and yet we fight it head on daily
How empathy's second nature,
and the heartaches of our youth turn into cherished memories and pivotal lessons learned
How He has always taken even the worst of my life's situations, and turned it into something beautiful.

These are just a few examples of His whisperings of truth in my life.

Gregory Alan Isakov - "San Francisco"

home, sweet home.

We moved into our humble abode on the same day I began the Doctoral Physical Therapy program...no big deal right? (Pssssssh....) So thankful to my daddy for moving ALL of our stuff with Jason in a single trip. So thankful to Jason's parents for coming to stay with us on our first night in the new home, and extra thankful for them staying to help begin the unpacking process. Thankful to my Moma for basically sterilizing and and organizing both my sanity and the house as a whole, not once but twice this month. And most importantly to Jason for allowing me to sit still amongst the mess and absorb the copious amount of anatomical information I am expected to learn in a 10 week span of time. I am thankful for little reminders of how he should never be taken for granted:

And especially thankful for good friends who came to share in my first official attempts at hospitality. Thankful for sharing in good food, good wine, homemade apple pie, and a night filled with music and good conversation.

This morning in class I was reminded by my incredible professor of what Independence Day is really all about. His sincerity was revealing of how God puts people in your life for times such as this. When you are reminded to be overwhelmed with thanks to those who gave their lives so that we could walk with our heads held proud. I am especially grateful for the undertones of faith as he spoke of our Freedom...

"It is for freedom He set us free."

"For Freedom" - Jimmy Needham

rome

"Recycled Air" - Postal Service

There are some songs that regardless of where you are, who you are with, and what mood you are in they have the ability to take you right back to driving through your hometown as the sun was just beginning to set. Where everywhere you turned there was someone you knew. Where everyone lined up there lawn chairs on the levee to watch the fireworks on Independence Day. Where you drove with the only intention of seeing and being seen, where everyone is always on the look out for you and you are always on the look out for everyone else.
When you were totally unaware of how soon everything and everyone in your life were about to take the most violent shift out and soon after, everything and everyone that would ever mean anything from then on in your life would shape shift in.
Almost as if you had been living a rather tumorous life without even knowing it and suddenly it ruptured. Underwent emergency transplant. And forever you were broken and reminded of just how fragile this life is and how blessed you are to still be a part it. Rubbing the scar as a reminder of what once was, and these songs cause it to burn as if it were casually reminding you of every single event leading up to this.
And it's overwhelming, the reminder, that those who once consumed your life, your youth, are those you may never see again. Like that tumor you'd grown accustomed to, gone forever. Life is like that, and music is the vehicle that drives my every memory.

Screaming Inside

"This Close" - Flyleaf

And it's okay that sometimes we do not have a clear understanding of who we are anymore. It means we are alive, it means we are being challenged to remove ourselves from the comfort of, well, ourselves. When He is screaming from inside to bring you alive, truly, how can you ignore it? It is hard, decimating, mind-altering, and raw to realize it is time to make some changes. Changes that will last forever and that will forever change who you are to those around and more important to the one who loves you most. The Lord will forever weigh on our hearts the truth which we want to refuse with all of our worldly might. We are fighters, it's true, and he wants to strengthen our fight; just not necessarily in the humbling, quiet, repentant way we wish that He would. Sometimes, it's going to be brutal, it's going to be glaring, and it's going to be loud.

road trips and mountaintimes

"Comme des enfants" - Coeur de pirate


We spent the weekend atop the mountainside of Waynesville, NC and it was just lovely. Jason and I always have the best times road tripping with one another. He drives while I alternate between singing at the top of my lungs, rambling about absolutely nothing, doing crosswords, or rubbing his neck (when he absolutely can no longer hold his eyes open). The hours usually pass by quickly and he gives me as many snack potty breaks as I need! He is the most patient man in the entire world I swear. Also, Jason's sister is pretty much the most adorable pregnant person I've ever seen or known (random aside)
We got to spend time in their new house, complete with cows right outside every window in the morning to greet you & mountain ranges and valleys far beyond the horizon.

Absolutely glorious. I ate way too much food (including sharing in this ultra-massive apple pastry), discovered a newfound love for eggplant, helped Maggie stake her garden (and dream about a garden of my own one day), play MAD LIBS, eat dinner inside the movie theater, Family Matters, home grown basil, and the consumption of more than enough red wine. I love their little town, how it reminds me home and my grandmother's house all at once. I also appreciate that someone is so attentive to all my caffeine needs. :) The song for today is one that Jason and I listened to both on the way there and on the way back home today. I love when I can predict what he is going to say before he even says it, particularly when it comes to music. I get so excited when a song I've just passionately fallen in love with discovered creeps its way into my life in that picture perfect moment in time when you get to share it with someone else. I like to call it a happy accident. When a song inserts itself into the soundtrack of your life and you just want to put it on repeat and breathe. When silence is welcomed and you look around and realize these lyrics were meant for this very moment.

Pressing on, faithfully & determined

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

"After the Storm" - Mumford & Sons

Recently I have come to realize that people, places, and life is not always what it seems. People. will. let. you. down. The actions of one affect a multitude.


And marriage takes hard work, two determined souls, and a ton of open, honest, often brutally honest communication--and love, lots and lots of it.


I am a goofy girl with often lofty dreams, this much is true, but I can tell you one thing right now; through hell, high water and every imaginable or unimaginable demon there is--my marriage will last until the day I die. I promised it over 8 months ago, and I promise it now. Because that's what it is, after all, the ultimate and only promise that really matters between two people on this earth. To love as and because He first loved us.


It wasn't a suggestion, it was a declaration. A sacrificial proclamation, life is not about ME anymore, it's about US...and that us will only get bigger and more real with time.