Wednesday, January 31, 2007

psalms

Shepherd, my shepherd
lay me down
still waters echo by resting ears, you've led me there
(abandon my fear)
in green pastures where i lie
for His name's I will rise,
for he guides me.
(through fear i will follow, blind-eyed i will trust)
Down paths of righteousness
no longer I will want.
I want nothing, for You
my salvation
my God
(i fear no longer)
You are.
On you I wait
all day
I wait.

"Peace" - Jason Upton

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

for everything we're "meant to be"

and on days like today
when the layers cannot eat (or hide) the chill from my skin
when my legs are paled and naked to the earth
and i'm running on a tred
that takes me to no where (and everywhere)

when your skin on mine
lights
rekindles
ignites
the words of this song in my ears
he sings
it's all that i can give, my everything
joy (for we are joyful, aren't we?, after all)

when it all seems so easy
now
when what we want becomes a meager reality,
when we, as nothing more than human beings, we win
we get what we've always wanted
what we've wept on broken knees for
alone, among company
to him
when what we want becomes a reality we've forgotten we were ever afraid of

when it all seems so easy and we embrace it
we are no longer imperfection
kisses on cheeks
your hand holds mine and it is
nothing more
or less
are we really these human beings? are we really breathing like the rest of them
is it really this
simple.

i look to the left at myself
farther still to you
and that tiny shutter inside of my heart
am i truly waking up again?
i won't say i'm scared, or lost
or confused
His love never confused me
but to've forgotten, to've passed it by
to've known and still not answered

for you
i will
be still
and utter
only
words
you've written

with my eyes closed
i sing
one note

but with my eyes closed, i hear an entire symphony

it's you
and it's possibility
i taste the pistil of summer honeysuckle dripped on my tongue
i taste that sweet memory
and the trees with their convincing branches who wrote there names all over my jeans (before the scars that is)

with acceptance comes the flood
the pulsing of the music of the blood in your
ears
you will remember with each rekindled breath
the pain
His suffering
His blood
i never deserved and it's so hard to
not accept
not understand
not even believe

but live
to live inside the pulls of his blood
to taste it on my cracked, infested lips
pieces of him, chunks
thread there way hap-hazardly down
my infected throat
my body
contorts
he finds no familiar place, he finds no room left in his home

but, BUT
that is NOT MY FATHER
that...that rejection
those are mine
and His are all the good in me.
my everything.
my God i am thankful
blessed
joyful
exuberant

have me be something extraordinary
always you love me
i am meant to love, teach me

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Saturday, January 6, 2007

i want to smile more.

Oh to be back in control. Today, well it definitely was. I could gush on and on about how thankful I am for the people in my life. For the way things just seem to always work themselves into my life in just the certain ways that I need them. How happy accidents, miracles, and blessings from above are not in fact all the same thing. How serendipity is something of a completely separate nature. Do I really have the strength to let go of the crutches i've accumulated? When did I devolve into this, and admitting that what i've been up to lately is wrong; well how does that make me feel? I would rather not dwell, in fact upon deciding such, I will not; but what really is an ample amount of time to THINK about all the things you've done wrong? What really is the right way to go about making changes?

Where have my morals gone? I feel no longer convicted, and I think i miss that.
I promise I will never give up on you, you are loved you are known and you will not be forgotten. Lean on me and I swear to you I will lean on you. I need those around me I can be truly vulnerable around. We all need to be held without being taken. We all need to be kissed on the cheek rather than the lips. To be admired for the thoughts that emerge from inside rather than our hidden talents. These are the morals I took for granted, the convictions I twisted into prudishness. When did self value become such a dorky trait to maintain; when did slutiness become such a fashionable trend. Again, where am I?
How did I get here?
I'm not ashamed, maybe I should be. But it's a growing process, I choose this path I did it all on my own and I will not back down from who I'm becoming. I might incorporate, I will fumble, uncertainty is inevitable; but we're all rising, we all will rise. He is alive. I will learn to express, again, what I believe. I will not be ashamed, and I will wait. We will all wait. And sing, and build, and scar. But we will wait, not numbed, not plaintively; but filled and joyous; we will have thanksgiving dinner in our own little ways; every day. We will live. Filled. To go to sleep satisfied and wake up content. To snuggle, completely comforted in the heat of your own body; then the heat of the body of one who just wants to be near you. Fully clothed even. The reunion of respect in a relationship; the realization you are worth; worthy of such kindness. The hum of silence; the saltiness of a tear in the flame; a homemade fire in a stony fireplace.
The feeling of home, coming home. We will come home; to a place where words aren't really needed. To be held, in the truth; and really know you've found forever. Rediscovery; unearthing...i wonder what it would be like to feel complete hanging from the limbs of the red marker tree?