Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Upon living with myself for the past 23+ years and having just recently watched a slew of home videos of the "littlest" Lauren I can without a doubt say that since the moment I learned to talk (i.e. around the time my little sister was born) I have been nothing short of stubborn. As a child my stubbornness took form by way of selfishness and the inability to share..as an adult it has morphed into an inability to "just let things go" or conform to the ways of the world. I have learned that with this mentality comes a gigantic tendency to get myself into trouble. I understand now that there are both good and bad aspects to my hard-headed sensibility. Good in the sense that I know what I want, for the most part know who I am, and without a doubt can thoroughly and clearly express myself to all of those around me. However, it is most definitely bad in the sense that I have an incredibly hard time relinquishing control of anything, letting go of things that, however asinine, just do not matter, and in general have a very hard time admitting when I am wrong. This stubbornness has always been combined with a voracious need to love others and be loved fully in return. I am determined to saturate those I am around in joy, so determined that this oftentimes turns me into a chameleon of sorts. I know that this is, in the long run, detrimental to my true self and so I have decided it is time to rid myself of negativity. This a public declaration of sorts of my intention to put an end to speak negatively, of other first and foremost & also of myself. To stop putting others down, stop gossiping about that which I know nothing about, and also to stop supposedly building myself up while putting others down. I would like to embrace that little one, so filled with love, thoughtfulness, & intrigue, that I was before I learned to speak. To truly love myself and this life so much that all I want to do is express it to others, regardless of the return. Most importantly, I want to learn to love to share and share of myself freely, as if it were second nature.
I want to become the me I see in my home videos. Reclaiming innocence, reclaiming me.