Sunday, October 1, 2006

this is what happens

i would like to really know it...would admirably respect it
i respect those things that I feel inside
i hold them close and endure
i ignore
i take what little i'm given, imeasureable, incompatible as it is with
my own
i love
until i feel nothing.
because it is
who i am

and it's never enough
i'm scared because, it is not enough

when will it ever be?
does it take until your late 20s, and then, suddenly
will this all make sense?

all the pains
all the ignorance
all the wrongs, spurts of rights, but mostly
do they all mesh into a sudden forward sweep of rightness

or is it
rather suddenly, or do we forget,
the innocence we once had?
the rush, is it replaced?  with a general acceptance

do we all just learn to settle?

My entire life i've been outspoken
i've been the muscular "beast" who never felt comfortable in a dress.

I've never felt comfortable.
and if you know me, if you really know "me," i remember you
i could ramble off a list of innately minute things that would bring nothing but memory is unnerving.
I remember the smell of the first boy I ever kissed,
I remember his smile and his laughter and the maroon t-shirt I had of his forever,
I remember that he mixed scents to make it his own...I remember those days
when they mattered, and it was easy--ier. It just was.
I've felt
things others don't even want
or need
I've felt not
because I've chosen not to feel, that which would make me
just like everyone else.
I stand apart, by my limitations....but they are choosen, not a crutch,
they are wanted, not needed, they are me.

And I am love
and no one I know....
no one I know understands what I feel, but I fall asleep at night
and I listen
and when I lie on the beach
or when I laugh just because
or when i'm with my family

I feel it
differently than i want
differently than i once was

and i wait. i wait despite the fact that i don't want to wait for
but I wait.

whether you like it or not
whether you understand it or not (which you probably and more than likely don't)
i love you
and i remember, so much that it hurts my heart
so much that my head, it aches
so much
i remember your smell, your skin, your tastes, your likes, and passions, and
i remember you.