a poem and a prayer

I have been hateful, I've hated in a world filled with loath--I've spit filled with spite at those that disgust. When really its me whose disgusting that's all. And the pitiful pride that lured me deep down inside is a ruthless deterrent my ignorance ignores. Yet somehow I'd imagined that each of your faces could heal me or fill me as I tried to endure. There's an evil in each of us if you choose to dig deep enough--instead I will pray to find the good in us all. Speak words unspoken fresh quivering lips spill death and resurrection of love and free willing--hope. and. then. Still seeking redemption I return open palmed and empty--You. You. YOU filling, feeling. You fill me. Dear Lord...

Where to begin, again. You lead me, Love.

Jonah's Plea

I cried out to the Lord because of my affliction, And He answered me. Out of the belly of Sheol I cried And You heard my voice. For You cast me into the deep, Into the heart of the seas, And the floods surrounded me; All Your billows and Your waves passed over me. Then I said, 'I have been cast out of Your sight; Yet I will look again toward Your holy temple.' The waters surrounded me, even to my soul; The deep closed around me; weeds were wrapped around my head. I went down to the moorings of the mountains; The earth with its bars closed behind me forever; Yet You have brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Lord. And my prayer went up to You, Into Your holy temple. Those who regard worthless idols Forsake their own Mercy. But I will sacrifice to You with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay what I have vowed. Salvation is of the Lord.

Jonah 2: 2-10

It is passages like this...in my quiet times that I realize we have all suffered...we are all striving for a reason to believe, to live for something more....to be Saved. And it's right here in front of us but we have got to want it. You have got to want to realize that you have no control...you are not meant to control yourself. There is simply something so much more than the hate and depression of superficial living...and it's hard not to be angry and not to hate the oftentimes sickening life of humanity...but it is necessary to realize that if we want to accept our purpose...if we want to breath his Life into others. We have got to find patience...self control....self sacrifice rather...and silence in our moments of discontent and anger. We too are sinners....we were not meant to simply shove ourselves carelessly into the lives of others and thrust an accusing finger into their eye....we are just as if not more deplorable then the act of sin we are condemning. We Know better. And still we want more...we want immediate 110% comprehension and perfection from those "beneath" us....those "behind" us....those "below" us. And I say we because oftentimes I want the same thing.....I cannot understand how someone continues to live in such a destructive, disgusting manner when I do not even bother to look at the pitfalls of my own existence. Jonahs' plea to the Lord was not one of a hope for salvation from the belly of the whale, he knew this was the place he was meant to be....It was a plea for an acceptance of his seeming understand....and mere days later he would forget himself again. He would forget the Mercy the Lord had shown to him, forget that that Mercy was not just for him it was for EVERYONE! No matter how many times you fail....no matter how many times you falter...He knows the truth of your heart....the truth of your intentions.

So be true to Him. Be true to yourself. Take a good long hard look in the mirror before lashing out at all of humanity around you. Look at the Good before the Bad....even when it is hard to find.

"You just call my name"

As I get older my birthdays, without a doubt, have taken on a much deeper meaning to me. My family has always done an incredible job of making me feel extremely loved, valued, and appreciated on that special day in April. I remember distinctly my birthdays at home...my mom would come into my room early in the morning and snuggle up close to me and get all mushy and gushy about how it was my birthday...in her super excited happy voice that would secretly put the biggest smile in my heart. I remember how we always got to pick what we wanted for dinner or if we wanted to eat out...I can still remember the surprise party my mom worked so hard to put together for me and how hard she tried to remind us just how special we were, not only to her but to all of those closest to us. She gave cause for celebration each year and I am forever greatful for the "special" feeling I have instilled in me because of it. Because of the importance my mom and dad placed on my life, on the worth of my being, I know that I am someone with the potential to Be. I never realized how integral those moments with my parents would be in shaping my entire person.

These past two years I have had the tremendous blessing of being able to celebrate my birthday in an entirely new way. Not only does my family celebrate the birth of their daughter but my new (soon to be) family celebrates the life of a daughter, a sister, a wife they'd always known existed, have prayed for, and finally get to share in the life of. Its a huge, humbling reality to be involved, immersed in the lives of an entirely new family...an entirely new life of faithfilled, passionate individuals who have already changed my life completely. As I think back on these past two years, on the past two celebrations of the life God gave me and my family loved me into I am so so so Joyful.

And this coming year....this coming October....will begin an entirely new chapter in many many more incredible birthdays to come.

4/18

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here.

Brooke Fraser

Stripped Away

Some things just cannot be stumbled upon, on a completely different note. They seek after you, creep up upon you, when you least expect it. When you are at your most vulnerable, completely oblivious--that is when and where it, when He meets you. I am in such a good place in life, I am surrounded by those who love me earnestly and it is only now; right now in this moment that I have come alive to that reality. It is an alive moment that continously reveals itself. It's a levels sort of thing when all you want is it all, and you want it now. It is the true act of Patience. The beauty of a gradual unfolding of truth, and life, and the sincerity of all that life has to offer. It is Hope in and amongst what is said to be Darkness. It is the ability, the freedom, to turn off, tune out, and engage in that what is truly deserving of our greatest concern. I continue to be reminded that this is our, this is My one Life. My one and only time to be the person who doesn't make me want to cringe when I speak. It was only today that I began to understand what it was that Jesus did on the cross. Seriously. It was on the way here that I heard a man speaking about how The Lord was completely separated from God on the cross in order to bare the sins of the world. It was the Separation that I understood. Not the sacrifice but the separation, the separation that is entirely second nature to so many of us today. I'm not sure if I've ever known life without some degree of separation from my God. Not disbelief, rather, a distance neverceasing wonder of exactly what this; what this relationship was all about. It was with that simple understanding today that my distance was put into perspective. I put my wants, my dillusions, and my "intention" above and between a real, earnest Giving Myself Away kind of relationship with Him...And I can already tell that this relationship is not, would not be one of stoic ruling...It can be a passionate, all encompassing, never fearing enslavement of all I am to Him. Every single fiber of myself given and graced by Grace itself...To be amongst a relationship...An Earnest, Stripped Away relationship with the one who bares all of the ugliness that ever existed....and all of the Joy....and all of the Life & Death...to be filled with it all, always.

Thank you for this deeper understanding and for my continued seeking and changing.

*Listen to Brooke Fraser's "C.S. Lewis Song"....it's what got me started on this

when you dream....

I love to dream. I love to wake up from dreams and lay in my bed trying to recall as many details as I can. I find it oddly intoxicating how I have recurring dreams with the same setting...always a place i've never been and yet a conglomerate of several places vaguely familiar to me. It is downtown Rome made up of building with ceiling I can stand on my tip toes and touch (kind of like going back to elementary school...). The buildings are always seperated by plenty of space, somewhat aged and sort of falling to pieces but not (it's a dream after all)...and there's green grass and tree dispersed about and many of the building have no walls atleast not when I finally reach them. And there are hills too. And I'm always running...Go figure.

I love my dreams...I know that when I eat ice cream and often when I drink coffee late at night...I know I will not be disappointing with that nights sleep. However, it is exhausting...and sometimes they start out fine enough and then twist into something you cannot really escape. When you wake up to your heart pounding and have to lie there for a moment just to remember where you are. Those are the ones I never ever enjoy having. The dreams of death or deceit...deception or a life I'm living completely opposite from my own...the what might have been. It will scare the humanity right out of you.

I'm not really sure what took me off on this tangent on dreams other than that I had several different ones last night (something of a mix of what had gone on from the day). I think it might be a good idea to wake up and immediately write down all I can before they are forgotten...not necessarily because there might be some sort of cryptic message within them but rather because it might be fun to read 3-4 years from now when I have forgotten and then discover that I had this blog...Which I have done recently with SEVERAL attempts I made at blogging my life (I think I've got at least 7 different ones I began)...Those are the best to find. It most definitely is the modern day diary.

:) I bought the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan this week....so far so wonderful. Now if I could just get myself off of Here and into the book I might have more to share. Also, clearly I changed the design of my blog...I enjoy this one much more because the colors change to match whatever photo you post...of course that means (apparently) you can only post one photo per update....Not sure how I feel about that but we shall see!

NORTH CAROLINA THIS WEEKEND FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Just thought I'd mention that. :D

remembrance

"If I keep my eyes on Jesus I can walk on water. If I keep my eyes on Him, I can walk on water." - Audio Adrenaline

Just one of the many pictures from the little Easter Egg Hunt I threw together in the backyard. :)

Easter was not the same without Maggie & Charlie :( but goodness gracious the weather was gorgeous!

I have determined that the way to keep my spirits up is to stay busy! (Duh!) But today I am happy, blessed, and on the run!

a break & discovery

Given the extent of stress I have been under this week, having taken my certification exam this past yesterday and STILL waiting to hear from GA State...This past weekend was a very much needed, refreshing, dream world of Love. What can I say about "Prepared to Last" other than it was a series of fantastic talks with AMAZING, no seriously AMAZING people. Our group was filled with this kinetic energy that everyone said had never been experienced before. Jeff and Debbie far and away exceeded my expectations--they were HILARIOUS, brutally and beautifully honest, and just FILLED with so much truth. I truly grasped the concept that if I spent my life (God willing) worry soley about Jason's needs (and he mine) we would never have to worry about our SELF again. This weekend I met some truly amazing couples (Team Ariel!!) and opened up and entirely new place in my heart for my love to enter in. It was a weekend filled with prayer, communication, plenty of Laughter, and more and more grace and reassurance from God that Jason and I are on the right path. :)

And now...pictures!
relying on one another to dominate the ropes course (this was jason's favorite)

practicing before our second try

complete Dickson/Shank domination :)

He loves me :)

We won. (of course) We had to write our dream vacation, mine was "Greece, where it's all white and blue and H2O" and Jason's was "Diving in Australia" :)

Team Ariel. All of Us.

Team Ariel pushing the Chik Fil A van out of the mud (all Jason's idea)

Belaying Us

Us from above (Self portrait #12930834234)

Amanda and John dominating the high ropes!!!

After we rushed back from our run and got ready in mere moments...our lovely selves at our dinner date.

Jason and I both agree that this was by far the most amazing weekend we have had together, honestly ever. We spent so much time on each other and with God and amongst a group of fantastic couples and INCREDIBLE staff. Winshape has really been one of if not the most incredible blessing in my life. I continue to be amazed by all that God has given and continue to reveal to us. :) :) :)

inspiration :)

Just a little inspiration board I put together of wedding ideas that I love.

Prayer

I know I have not updated in awhile (not that anyone reads this aside from Maggie but we will just pretend like millions of people are patiently anticipating my next update) BUT I have been extremely busy with finishing up my FINAL YEAR of my UNDERGRADUATE DEGREE! One more month entirely of Milledgeville, however, let me not stray to far from the point of this entry. I will write more once this week has come to its completion. Jason and I just got back from Prepared to Last at Winshape....so much, SO MUCH to say about that :).

But for now. I would very much appreciate PRAYER for the certification exam I am taking TOMORROW and patience as I continue to wait to find out about my fate in so far as GA State is concerned.....Thank you!

Here is a picture (of many) to leave you with from our amazing weekend. (I photoshopped jason's lipoma scar right on out of there :)).

LOVE.