My Love & I - 7/21

I can easily say that yesterday was something I cannot really explain in a few words. Needless to say I was thoroughly surprised, blessed, and most definitely filled with LOVE! I'm going to post a few pictures for those who are close to me to look at on here but otherwise I would just much rather show and tell you the whole story in person!!!!

I love you all very much and want to thank you for the support you have given us throughout our relationship and the continued support, blessings, and love we receive from you! I especially appreciate the example each of your relationships has been to us, with God at the very center of us we know that everything is possible!

The prayer just before the proposal. "Lauren Taylor Dickson will you marry me?" - I said Yes of course :]

The ring, my families all there and together to celebrate Jason and I, My best friend since birth, Marlena. 

My love so pleased that he thoroughly surprised me.

I am so blessed.

And in that moment I was a girl seeing a woman become

Today, we'll just call it today because I have not yet fallen asleep. Was quite easily the most alive days of my life.
Today, July 21, 2008 my love came to the place where it all began and chose me as his own. Today. Not 4 months from now, not 8, not even a year but today. All of my negativity, all of my despair, all of my faithlessness disappearing as I walked into the cooler and saw that man. I didn't think about anything except that this was it, this was the moment I'd wanted, whether fully or dutifully, it was mine. Exactly how I'd wanted. Wanted. (theme of camp) And wanting is a very odd thing. My God was and is and has been so real. And he told me he'd show me, he'd give me that moment I was waiting for and I never knew until now just what that was. And I didn't cry, I laughed I smile so hard my heart and my face and my body on fire! The entire day filled with idle conversation, hazy thoughts, and everything as it is supposed to be.
Of course it was odd that I was working over at girl's camp after an entire summer of boys, or that Eric and Matt both were guarding me from ever going into the kitchen. But I had no idea. Not a one. And every single person knew. I am worth it. I am. I am not a liar or a cheat. I am in love with a man whom God designed just for me. And no distance or time or evil could ever keep me from my love for him. With God guiding me, with my faith and knowledge growing, possibilities unraveling, God has plans for me. He has plans for us bigger than I could even know at this very moment but he is revealing. He is!!!
Finally Joanna came through for lunch and the applesauce was empty, I told her I'd refill it for her and she'd asked for an orange instead. I breezed past Eric, never noticing he didn't try to stop me, and was so happy to see Marlena had come to eat lunch with us unexpectedly. I went into the cooler, wholeheartedly looking for that orange, and came out with fiery skin and a firm grip on his hand. He whisked me away with such determination I could not even tell you what was really said, "What are you thinking?", "This is surreal." Laughter and smiles and hand squeezes, so very us.
Around the Pod where we first met around to the very middle of Winshape with the green grass and blue skies and 100 degree weather. My sweet Georgia weather. Talking and telling me a sweet sweet love letter, right there in front of Normandy we stopped and faced one another. Silence. "Can we pray?"
A thanks thanks thanksgiving to the Lord and then, "Lauren Taylor Dickson, will you marry me?" "Yes."
box. ring. hand. hug. kiss!!!
He turned me facing out of Winshape to see my family and his at the bottom of the hill. Several Normandy Innkeepers at the top, my kitchen family peeking out around the wall and a crowd of counselors and campers giving us a standing "O"!
Hugs with the family, LOTS OF SMILES and pictures and time to think and breath and feel
this.
Grand Chalet driving around for over an hour talking, Starbucks, Panera more time to breath at my house relaxing and making phone calls. Tears and happiness!
My love, my life.
He's da best.

see you soon :]

"See You Soon" - Coldplay

It's the act of living, it's the nagging weight of yourself rushing out of you as your chest makes room for another's embrace.
It's the feeling right before the stars awaken in her little eyes.
The moment right before recognition,
how this little person takes the time to fully comprehend your magical appearance before rejoicing in your return. How the little light traces circles from her iris to her pupils, before she's learned how to hide the mind at work, wheels spinning and then she says your name very soft and quiet at first,
a little whisper filled with wonder. And then the world explodes to life as your name becomes the single resonating sound in the room and 20 pounds of energy with starburst eyes beams herself across the room and into your arms.
How weightless she feels when you hear the pure trust of a child in her laughter, when she chatters away every single one of her secrets as you toss her up and up and up and up and up and up, and turn and turn and turn and turn the doorknob, and jump again and again and again and again. There is no such thing as boredom, idle thoughts strictly prohibited in a world without stop signs or cellphones.

It's fast paced and free and that little girl can only begin to imagine just how her smile has given you yours.  

Runners, until the race is run

"Lovers in Japan" - Coldplay 

And it seems to me I'm living, sometimes, between myself and my mind
Sing out, sing loud and long, sing something's worth living, for
There's the ones you've known and the ones you've only just met
and in the beginning, it's always more exciting, elating, filled than the end.
The weight of the end suffocates you inside, paralyzes, for the very notion of perfection is offensive to reality
an impossible word for those of us, living here.
Searching for the sign, for that moment in time when you feel
Him. To search without hope is hopeless, to live without faith
lifeless.
And even when we know that we know that we know, how do we amount?
When is everything, atleast for a good while, okay?
When do we stop the worry, the questioning, the backstabbing, heart wrenching, heartbreaking, judgment of him and then and she and I and us.
When do we let ourselves go, give it up, and truly live, again, like before we'd been buried.
Like we've erased, excised & removed the moments we were broken,
left alone,
forgotten,
sinners,
immoral,
eaten,
ravenous,
begging,
rebellious,
angered,
spit out,
spiteful,
raped, or
plagued.
And when you feel the freedom knocking and can't seem to find the door,
because the inside of yourself is something worth missing
for the prospect of someone else's self to consume,
join you in there.

caffeine

I've been reading this book the past couple of days, nothing of note just an easy read to free my mind of thoughts and pass the time. Anyways in it the topic of narcissism is broached and, upon the pondering of my mind because let's face it that's just what I do about well pretty much anything that intrigues me, I began to think about well, me. My idea of narcissism, idea, understanding, whatever, anyways it was my understanding that narcissism is the complete and all encompassing care of self and only ones self. It is a complexity developed over time by a lack of faith and hope in others and a building up of ones self, usually brought on by one of two things 1) boredom with your current situation or more likely 2) a complete disillusionment with those other than yourself triggered by some sort of bruised or battered ego. It could be a single, earth shattering moment or a gradual biting off of little bits and pieces, much like a pinata, of ones self by others who've been handed a bat much too heavy for them to wield in your candy filled vicinity. Anyway you look at it it's very much like slipping into the shallow end of the pool and attempting to swim and stick to the bottom. You confidently push yourself deeper and deeper, pressing air through your ear canal, kicking legs, digging hands and arms until you successfully reach the bottom only to find you are completely empty. It is that empty fear which catapults, along with your feet pushing your body, you straight up from the depths. No gradual return, no repressurizing, no moments to consider what could've been done better - no time to stop and breath. You just push past it all grabbing any hand that's offered. Losing so much of your conscious self that you accept and take and offer ANYTHING to gasp just another single breath.
So yes maybe, at some time between my high school sinking and my young adult rising I have been unable to find the wading point. I dive in deep and walk safely in the shallow waters. I give what feels right. For me.
I do not write this to say that one or the other was the right thing but to say that I am making that conscious effort to wade between myself and those around me I used to expend my life for.

There is so much more than this but, what with reading the book, I just had to write a little something.

Home Again

It really is hard to believe I am already home again for my third and final summer home from college. Weird. I can tell a distinct difference between this summer at Winshape and last. Of course things were much different between last year and the year before that so that was really no big surprise. I suppose the biggest thing for me is coming back from my trip and feeling a sort of peace about things. Not a complete, all knowing peace but more like a confidence that comes from the feeling that you have actually accomplished something. That what you've been working towards and spending so much of your energies on is becoming something you actually know. The fact that parts of Athletic Training are actually becoming secondhand to me, that's just a wow kind of thing to me.

Anyways, so after my first full week of work Maggie and I spent tonight having girls night. It was a much needed reunion between the two of us and we've FILLED it with food and our own little adventures. After we'd gone to Wal Mart to get food stuffs to cook and movies to watch we headed to Maggie's house where we decided to investigate the blooming blueberry bushes. Most of them were green however we found about 20 plump blue ones! It was a really amazing release to just scan and scan the green blueberry buds until your eye caught the one plump purple one of the bunch. We also discovered a wild berry (blackberry) bush intertwined with the blueberries. There are also grape vines and pear trees...so many little snippets of creation all of which I would love to have my own part in. I cannot wait to begin something from a hole in the dirt and a seed and patiently wait and watch it's growth into flourish. 

So after a little search and find Maggie and I wanted to celebrate our findings so we went to Elizabeth's house and gave her some blueberries. She was the first one brave enough to try the wild berries, they were so sour. Elizabeth's children are fantastic. The were hiding for the first little bit but then started to come out and talk to us. 

It's official: Maggie and I are the next food network cooking duo. 

- Guacamole - Quesadillas  - Oatmeal cookies

My eyes are closing too much right now, I must go to bed. 

This summer is going so well thus far and I cannot wait for it to continue on in  a likewise fashion.

XL Mountains & Ceramicists

This update will span from May 25 to May 28th because a lot has gone on and I do not want to fall far behind. Marta and I just finished studying for our midterm which is tomorrow...I don't even want to start on the fact that we have a midterm, 5 page paper, and a final for this one month "class." Nevertheless we studied, and it reminded me nostalgically of Anthony, April, and I's time in the library. 20% studying, 80% conversating. Tonight Mike (Dr. Ferrara) asked us if we had discovered we were long lost sisters and basically we pretty much have. She and I were talking about graduate school a few days ago and she actually brought up the idea that I should go to UGA for graduate school. I had never really considered it before BUT if I will have to abstain from going to Physical Therapy school because I will still have to take that one class OR if I decide that I would rather get my masters in teaching or health education or the like and work as a teacher/athletic trainer then Athens would be the perfect place for me to do that! They have a highly accredited program and it is only 20-30 minutes away from Gwinnett and I am becoming more and more familiar with the people there as our elapses here. So many options and so much to think about! Who ever thought I might even contemplate becoming a Georgia Bulldog...So anyways, back track to May 25, Sunday, we headed out on a 3 hour train ride to Toroko Gorge where we arrived to a downpour of rain. Well it actually began as a drizzle but by the time we were a fifth of the way down the trail it was pouring down! My "rain jacket" did nothing to protect me and so I was completely drenched from head to toe! It was actually a blessing in disguise because had it been clear blue skies I would have been to busy fighting of bugs and pouring sweat to really soak in everything around me. The rain cooled our skin as we walked along the man made path towards the base of the gorge. There are mountains that seem to climb for miles and miles above your head all around. The kind of mountains that cling to fog clouds all around. I took many many pictures so I will most definitely be sharing those but for now all I can say is that I looked around and just knew that this was God. He was just everywhere. In the rain, in the winding clear blue river, in the weather worn marble stones--the walls twisting and turning mazes. Talk about sensory stimulation overload! It was so simply, extravagantly, incredibly amazing!! 

After our peacefilled trek we headed to dinner where we celebrated Marta's birthday and then went and saw a traditional Aboriginal dance. We were all pulled out there at one point or another to join in the dance, pretty hokey/touristy kind of place but it was still fun. I enjoyed the music and synchronicity of it all, if nothing else. After the dance we went to check into our hotel and had a little free time. We tried, sadly, to find something to do with out free time but finally gave up and went to bed. The hotels here are very....weird. you have to put your card into this little slot before ANYTHING in the entire room will even work. That took a good twenty minutes to figure out, you can imagine me pushing every single button until I just happened to try the card in the slot. Thank god for my imaginative mind ;). 

The next day consisted of...White Water Rafting through Toroko Gorge! It was the most amazing experience I've had here thus far. Three and a half hours of nothing but pushing, pulling, sunshining on my legs and arms, wide open cool waters, a few good rapids, and mountains climbing the sky all around me. It was so heavenly I cannot even describe it adequately, we will just have to go!! Our team raced the last fifteen minutes of the trip to the finish, what an amazing feeling to just pull and pull yourself to the end! I see now why drew loved crew so much, I'm pretty sure I would have too!! We christened our little boat with the name Scooter because he was diligent and loyal, plus it's pretty much the best name ever for a little Taiwanese raft. After our trip we ate lunch, having just spent the last 3 hours in the sun the last thing I wanted to eat was greasy food, so I settled for ice cream instead. :) 

The rest of the Toroko Gorge endeavor was a feeble attempt at entertainment by our tour guides. We went to a sculptural museum which was a complete BUST (except for a few cute pictures we managed to take) and then a house that used to house soldiers during the Japanese and Korean war, I think. Whatever the case the house was actually located above the city which made for a great view (reminds me of my favorite spot in Rome) AND had it's own little coffee shop in it. Marta and I completely our sweet filled day by purchasing two pastries. One for then and another for later. Thank you Lord for chocolate, coffee, and the ability to work it all off afterwards! 

We returned to NTSU to the reminder that we had aquatic adventures the next morning. Aquatic adventures turned out to be an actual swim meet that we had been signed up to participate in. I was a good sport (eventually) and signed up to swim 50 free, 50 fly (riiight), 50 back, and a relay. Good ol' Swimcats flashback. But in the end I only had to swim the back stroke and then a few fun swims. I didn't exactly win at the backstroke (although Marta did place 3rd!) but our teams kicked but at the cooperation competitions. I'm not sure if it's because of our competitive spirit or amazing brainstorming skills but we finished the goofy races miles ahead of the other teams. After the swim meet we ate lunch and I found out, most importantly, that Eva is returning to Georgia College next year as the Assistant Athletic Trainer. I was feeling a little lost with all the changes this coming year but what with Eva coming, Paul staying, and a whole new department otherwise I'm excited to see what might come of our program! I feel like the program had come to a stand still and that this is just what it needs to jump start us into a new arena of possibilities! I also feel like this trip has given me an amazing opportunity to talk to people from a huge spectrum of programs and to really get a feel for what is working and what is a definite possibility for Georgia College in the near future! I'm especially excited about getting the AT club started and seeing what we can do with that. So much to think about!!! 

I had to go to basketball practice for clinicals and that was not a very eventful occasion. The only positive was that I got to tape an ankle, however, NTSU does not purchase "the good stuff" and so I had to tape it using Cramer and Cramer want to tear your hands off fabric tape. It was nearly impossible and made me forever grateful for Johnson and Johnson!!! Afterwards we had sushi and pizza for dinner....sushi for me but of course. And then Tai Chi. 

Marta and I got my buddy, LB, to get us real pizza (as in not seafood infested pizza) and so a bunch of us all sat in the common area and fiested on the luxury of American style PIZZA! After that Marta and I went running again which has really become a fantastic release at the end of a long day! 

So finally, yesterday morning I woke up and had instant grits for breakfast! They made me close my eyes and feel like I was home again. Love me some grits! After breakfast we headed to class which was all about herbal medicine. It was pretty interesting, we even got to measure and mix our own concoction and put it on a pad to be placed on people's sore spots. I definitely didn't use one but it was fun to make! Afterwards we loaded up the bus and had subs for lunch on the way to the Pottery Museum. We toured the museum and then headed to the little pottery city about 15 minutes away (by foot). This was another one of my favorite activities, we got to sit down at a wheel and throw our own creations! I made a little something for Jason and it will be shipped to UGA after it has been fired. I cannot wait to see if/how it turns out! 

Afterwards we spent a good 2 hours browsing the extensive pottery shops before loading the bus back up to head to the NTSU student Athletic Trainer's end of the year banquet. 

A very unique thing about the transportation here, okay so the buses here, is that every single one of them has karaoke built into it. Every single one. Okay so there are few, um well boisterous people (SURPRISINGLY NOT ME) on this trip, that feel the need, every time, to take the microphone and sing about 6 or 7 songs during the course of our trip. Okay and when I say sing I really mean just scream into the microphone for 6 songs straight. So on this particular evening, on the way to the banquet, we discovered that there was second microphone and I took a hold of it. While they were screaming I took the microphone and actually started singing the song. Everyone stopped and one guy was like wait a second who is that singing, they coaxed me into finishing the song which I did mostly because I didn't want to hear them screaming anymore and I'm not going to lie it was nice to have them quite for even just a moment. I love the power a single voice can have, especially when it doesn't have to yell.

When we arrived to the restaurant we walked in to discover three of the juniors up on stage dressed up and dancing/singing. It was fantastic! There was singing/dancing, reminiscing, gift giving and praises as well as goodbyes, charades, and even another tape off! Even though we couldn't understand 95% of what was going on it was so great to see that camaraderie seems to be a worldwide tradition. 

After the banquet a lot of our people decided to go out to Taipei, considering it was already late and a 30 minute taxi ride away a few of us just decided to stay local and go out with a few of our Taiwanese buddies. We went to a local restaurant ate some bread, had a few drinks, and just relaxed and enjoyed our time to breath! 

So there! Now I have thoroughly updated up until today and now I must sleep. Thank you guys so much for your prayers & thoughts and know that I love and think of you always!!