caffeine

I've been reading this book the past couple of days, nothing of note just an easy read to free my mind of thoughts and pass the time. Anyways in it the topic of narcissism is broached and, upon the pondering of my mind because let's face it that's just what I do about well pretty much anything that intrigues me, I began to think about well, me. My idea of narcissism, idea, understanding, whatever, anyways it was my understanding that narcissism is the complete and all encompassing care of self and only ones self. It is a complexity developed over time by a lack of faith and hope in others and a building up of ones self, usually brought on by one of two things 1) boredom with your current situation or more likely 2) a complete disillusionment with those other than yourself triggered by some sort of bruised or battered ego. It could be a single, earth shattering moment or a gradual biting off of little bits and pieces, much like a pinata, of ones self by others who've been handed a bat much too heavy for them to wield in your candy filled vicinity. Anyway you look at it it's very much like slipping into the shallow end of the pool and attempting to swim and stick to the bottom. You confidently push yourself deeper and deeper, pressing air through your ear canal, kicking legs, digging hands and arms until you successfully reach the bottom only to find you are completely empty. It is that empty fear which catapults, along with your feet pushing your body, you straight up from the depths. No gradual return, no repressurizing, no moments to consider what could've been done better - no time to stop and breath. You just push past it all grabbing any hand that's offered. Losing so much of your conscious self that you accept and take and offer ANYTHING to gasp just another single breath.
So yes maybe, at some time between my high school sinking and my young adult rising I have been unable to find the wading point. I dive in deep and walk safely in the shallow waters. I give what feels right. For me.
I do not write this to say that one or the other was the right thing but to say that I am making that conscious effort to wade between myself and those around me I used to expend my life for.

There is so much more than this but, what with reading the book, I just had to write a little something.