Saturday, January 6, 2007

i want to smile more.

Oh to be back in control. Today, well it definitely was. I could gush on and on about how thankful I am for the people in my life. For the way things just seem to always work themselves into my life in just the certain ways that I need them. How happy accidents, miracles, and blessings from above are not in fact all the same thing. How serendipity is something of a completely separate nature. Do I really have the strength to let go of the crutches i've accumulated? When did I devolve into this, and admitting that what i've been up to lately is wrong; well how does that make me feel? I would rather not dwell, in fact upon deciding such, I will not; but what really is an ample amount of time to THINK about all the things you've done wrong? What really is the right way to go about making changes?

Where have my morals gone? I feel no longer convicted, and I think i miss that.
I promise I will never give up on you, you are loved you are known and you will not be forgotten. Lean on me and I swear to you I will lean on you. I need those around me I can be truly vulnerable around. We all need to be held without being taken. We all need to be kissed on the cheek rather than the lips. To be admired for the thoughts that emerge from inside rather than our hidden talents. These are the morals I took for granted, the convictions I twisted into prudishness. When did self value become such a dorky trait to maintain; when did slutiness become such a fashionable trend. Again, where am I?
How did I get here?
I'm not ashamed, maybe I should be. But it's a growing process, I choose this path I did it all on my own and I will not back down from who I'm becoming. I might incorporate, I will fumble, uncertainty is inevitable; but we're all rising, we all will rise. He is alive. I will learn to express, again, what I believe. I will not be ashamed, and I will wait. We will all wait. And sing, and build, and scar. But we will wait, not numbed, not plaintively; but filled and joyous; we will have thanksgiving dinner in our own little ways; every day. We will live. Filled. To go to sleep satisfied and wake up content. To snuggle, completely comforted in the heat of your own body; then the heat of the body of one who just wants to be near you. Fully clothed even. The reunion of respect in a relationship; the realization you are worth; worthy of such kindness. The hum of silence; the saltiness of a tear in the flame; a homemade fire in a stony fireplace.
The feeling of home, coming home. We will come home; to a place where words aren't really needed. To be held, in the truth; and really know you've found forever. Rediscovery; unearthing...i wonder what it would be like to feel complete hanging from the limbs of the red marker tree?

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