caffeinated Joy.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

reclaim

Upon living with myself for the past 23+ years and having just recently watched a slew of home videos of the "littlest" Lauren I can without a doubt say that since the moment I learned to talk (i.e. around the time my little sister was born) I have been nothing short of stubborn. As a child my stubbornness took form by way of selfishness and the inability to share..as an adult it has morphed into an inability to "just let things go" or conform to the ways of the world. I have learned that with this mentality comes a gigantic tendency to get myself into trouble. I understand now that there are both good and bad aspects to my hard-headed sensibility. Good in the sense that I know what I want, for the most part know who I am, and without a doubt can thoroughly and clearly express myself to all of those around me. However, it is most definitely bad in the sense that I have an incredibly hard time relinquishing control of anything, letting go of things that, however asinine, just do not matter, and in general have a very hard time admitting when I am wrong. This stubbornness has always been combined with a voracious need to love others and be loved fully in return. I am determined to saturate those I am around in joy, so determined that this oftentimes turns me into a chameleon of sorts. I know that this is, in the long run, detrimental to my true self and so I have decided it is time to rid myself of negativity. This a public declaration of sorts of my intention to put an end to speak negatively, of other first and foremost & also of myself. To stop putting others down, stop gossiping about that which I know nothing about, and also to stop supposedly building myself up while putting others down. I would like to embrace that little one, so filled with love, thoughtfulness, & intrigue, that I was before I learned to speak. To truly love myself and this life so much that all I want to do is express it to others, regardless of the return. Most importantly, I want to learn to love to share and share of myself freely, as if it were second nature.
I want to become the me I see in my home videos. Reclaiming innocence, reclaiming me.

Friday, February 4, 2011

"This Is The Thing" - Fink

There something about a brand new discovery, especially when it pertains to music, that can instantly dredge up all that was dug deep down inside. Unfurling, crawling and climbing, creeping its way up into your consciousness, all over again.
Music has a way of overcoming your seeming subconsciousness, of grabbing with a vice grip hold, overloading every last one of your senses. Music has an incredible power, unmatched by any (except maybe smell), it has yet to be stifled, be forgotten.

Music is the thing. Music is everything.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

my valentine & i

"nothing is written"

now I'll be bold
as well as strong
use my head alongside my heart
so take my flesh
and fix my eyes
that tethered mind free from the lies.
- mumford & sons

valentine's challenge

When I think of a day dedicated to love, I think of it all wrapped up in a pint sized little pudge of innocent wonder. I think of the security of being in Gamma's arms and all the adventure's that Granddad holds in the palm of his hand. I think of a rebirth, reawakening; I think of rising up and the One that rose again.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

i've got dreams to remember

"Into The Mystic" (Van Morrison cover) - The Swell Season

I've had so many dreams, throughout the years, of who and what I would one day like to be. When I was younger I can remember saying that I wold like to one day be architect. I'm not really sure where that idea came from. I mean I loved lincoln logs, those cardboard building bricks, and my brother's legos as much as the next elementary school child but it wasn't something I'd say I was particular passionate about.

I cannot even say that my dreams were really those of a tangible, occupationally defining manner. I'd say they were more glimpses of someone else's life that I just knew I would like to someday become. Watching the varsity soccer team when I was in seventh grade and knowing one day that I wanted to be "the heart of the team." Going to my first cross country practice on that summer morning before school began and realizing I craved the competitive adrenaline that coursed through my veins. Idolizing the senior highs in my youth group, enraptured by the way their voices rang out to the Lord, craving a relationship with something more than just this. Craving the faith and honesty I saw in the newness of it all, the freedom and joy of believing without guilt, knowing and realizing the potential of a personal relationship...becoming a woman of God.
Dreams I had that came to define who I was to those around me, dreams that not just define you on the outside but transform all your insides as well.

I have dreams even now. Dreams that are conjured both from past experiences (to sing again, to share my heart, to re-ignite and become a woman of God) and those that come with the transformation from child to adult...

Comprehending potential and wanting more from yourself than ever before...
dreams of becoming a better, more diligent, loving, inspiring, and selfless wife

dreams of becoming a competent, well-rounded, professionally joyful practicioner

and most importantly, dreams of becoming a mother...with infectious energy and a calming spirit.

most of all I dream of maturity, moments of serendipity, a mind filled with prayer, days of serenity, taking a deep breath, taking a step back, thought-filled freedom, forgiveness & running free.