caffeine

I've been reading this book the past couple of days, nothing of note just an easy read to free my mind of thoughts and pass the time. Anyways in it the topic of narcissism is broached and, upon the pondering of my mind because let's face it that's just what I do about well pretty much anything that intrigues me, I began to think about well, me. My idea of narcissism, idea, understanding, whatever, anyways it was my understanding that narcissism is the complete and all encompassing care of self and only ones self. It is a complexity developed over time by a lack of faith and hope in others and a building up of ones self, usually brought on by one of two things 1) boredom with your current situation or more likely 2) a complete disillusionment with those other than yourself triggered by some sort of bruised or battered ego. It could be a single, earth shattering moment or a gradual biting off of little bits and pieces, much like a pinata, of ones self by others who've been handed a bat much too heavy for them to wield in your candy filled vicinity. Anyway you look at it it's very much like slipping into the shallow end of the pool and attempting to swim and stick to the bottom. You confidently push yourself deeper and deeper, pressing air through your ear canal, kicking legs, digging hands and arms until you successfully reach the bottom only to find you are completely empty. It is that empty fear which catapults, along with your feet pushing your body, you straight up from the depths. No gradual return, no repressurizing, no moments to consider what could've been done better - no time to stop and breath. You just push past it all grabbing any hand that's offered. Losing so much of your conscious self that you accept and take and offer ANYTHING to gasp just another single breath.
So yes maybe, at some time between my high school sinking and my young adult rising I have been unable to find the wading point. I dive in deep and walk safely in the shallow waters. I give what feels right. For me.
I do not write this to say that one or the other was the right thing but to say that I am making that conscious effort to wade between myself and those around me I used to expend my life for.

There is so much more than this but, what with reading the book, I just had to write a little something.

Home Again

It really is hard to believe I am already home again for my third and final summer home from college. Weird. I can tell a distinct difference between this summer at Winshape and last. Of course things were much different between last year and the year before that so that was really no big surprise. I suppose the biggest thing for me is coming back from my trip and feeling a sort of peace about things. Not a complete, all knowing peace but more like a confidence that comes from the feeling that you have actually accomplished something. That what you've been working towards and spending so much of your energies on is becoming something you actually know. The fact that parts of Athletic Training are actually becoming secondhand to me, that's just a wow kind of thing to me.

Anyways, so after my first full week of work Maggie and I spent tonight having girls night. It was a much needed reunion between the two of us and we've FILLED it with food and our own little adventures. After we'd gone to Wal Mart to get food stuffs to cook and movies to watch we headed to Maggie's house where we decided to investigate the blooming blueberry bushes. Most of them were green however we found about 20 plump blue ones! It was a really amazing release to just scan and scan the green blueberry buds until your eye caught the one plump purple one of the bunch. We also discovered a wild berry (blackberry) bush intertwined with the blueberries. There are also grape vines and pear trees...so many little snippets of creation all of which I would love to have my own part in. I cannot wait to begin something from a hole in the dirt and a seed and patiently wait and watch it's growth into flourish. 

So after a little search and find Maggie and I wanted to celebrate our findings so we went to Elizabeth's house and gave her some blueberries. She was the first one brave enough to try the wild berries, they were so sour. Elizabeth's children are fantastic. The were hiding for the first little bit but then started to come out and talk to us. 

It's official: Maggie and I are the next food network cooking duo. 

- Guacamole - Quesadillas  - Oatmeal cookies

My eyes are closing too much right now, I must go to bed. 

This summer is going so well thus far and I cannot wait for it to continue on in  a likewise fashion.