about me :]

As I am currently mixing a rather lovely musical compilation dedicated to my PT school best friend I decided to pass the time it takes to upload the songs by telling whoever out there happens to read this a little about my self from A-Z.


A. Age: 23 (soon to be 24 in 15 days...) I can scarcely believe I've almost lived a fourth of my life, because yes I do believe I will live to be exactly 100.

B. Bed Size: We have a full (that I've had since my third year of college) but I dream of the days when we can one day own a California King. I am like my very own internal heating blanket and I like to spreeeead outttt aka I NEED MO SPACE!

C. Chore you hate: I am no good at chores...I never was made to do them as a child and on those random occasions when my mom would try to randomly enforce "chores" I would pitch my Grade A fit and that would settle that...basically, I was a brat as a child. And I still loathe them to this day...but I am learning, the hard way, that they are a NECESSARY evil (except on those glorious days when my Moma comes to visit and it is just like old times). But yeah, I dislike them all except the dishes and dishwasher....for some reason I love those.

D. Dogs: We had a weiner dog growing up - Abby and I can still remember my siblings coming into my room one morning to tell me she had died :(. Now I have my, as I like to call it, step-dog Zero....my husband's pride and joy....and I have quickly come to realize I am not an indoor pet person, I like humans. 

E. Essential start to your day:  Coffee. All day, everyday. I'm not ashamed to admit my obsession.

F. Favorite Color: purple.

G. Gold or silver: silver (for jewelry), gold (for coloring, eye shadow, all other life aspects)

H. Height: 5'6"

I. Instruments you play: I have zero patience, therefore all instruments I have ever played/attempted to played have turned out to be utter and complete failures. Basically I played the clarinet/bass clarinet from 6th to 10th grade until I A) swapped to Colorguard for a majority of the band season B) QUIT - to run cross country (best decision ever). Regardless, my best instrument by far is my voice, it is ever present, multifaceted, and I've been playing it for 23 years, so you could say I'm a pro.

J. Job title: Full-time student (but in two years I'll be a Dr!)

K. Kids: 6 please.

L. Live: Cumming, GA 

M. Mom's name: Susan, but I call her Moma

N. Nicknames: LD, Ldeezal, Ldeezal tha Weezal, LoDix, Sister Lotus, Lawren, Da Best, and now that i'm married --> Shank

O. Overnight hospital stays: ACL surgery in 2005 and I think I had pneumonia when I was a lot younger.

P. Pet Peeve: It changes from day to day but mostly: people that kiss butt, people that call working out on the elliptical "running", girls that come into the gym fully done up with their make up and horribly short shorts, sororities, pot heads, people my age who still think its necessary and cool to get drunk and make a ginormous fool of themselves.....there are plenty more.

Q. Quote from a movie: "I'm gonna be free. And I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna live each day as if it were my last. Fantastically. Courageously. With grace. And in the dark of the night, and it does get dark. When I call a name, it'll be your name."

R. Right or left handed: LEFT of course :)

S. Siblings: 2 - Pagey Poo and David too (I always saying it like that in my head, Mickey Mouse club style)

T. Time you wake up: Depends on what time my class is at and how much homework I have to get done that morning before class. anywhere from 6 to 8:45

U. Underwear: yes.

V. Vegetables you dislike: raw onions (gag) and I DO NOT like coriander or nutmeg (which I know are herbs but I will REFUSE to eat anything with them in it)

W. What makes you run late: my husband (love you!) or if I don't want to be wherever it is i'm going

X. X-rays you've had: Kneetimes (and it was miserable)

Y. Yummy food you make: Spaghetti, chicken poppyseed casserole, chicken and rice, chicken fajitas/nachos/quesadillas, guacamole, COOKIES

Z. Zoo animal: I despise anywhere were I have to go, walk around, and pretend that I want to learn about something (ie. zoos, museums, etc....); plus zoos are depressing. But I do love penguins, alot. I kind of want one as a pet...but I guess that should've gone under P. dangit.

me and my rubber penguin :]

just something

there are lots of things going on inside of me right now. lots. and i keep more to myself then i have in years. i keep to myself and up with him and trying to figure it all out. all of it, slowly.
i would like to write fiction. i would like to get a good night's sleep, in a warm bed, in a cold room with the air conditioner running full blast (or maybe just the windows open with a cold cold air rushing in, yeah that would be much better). i would like to fall asleep with a smile. i would like to run again, for real. i would like to feel like an important part of the greater whole, not that i don't, really, already feel like that but maybe something more along the lines of a team all working towards one goal, together. something i know i can do, something tangible. i would love to be overwhelmed on a regular basis.
all of these keep me quiet. all of these keep me thinking. all of these...
things are changing. shifting. people are shifting. and nothing is the same as it was 5 months ago. nothing is familiar to what it was 2 years ago. one year ago.
things, people, and ways are cleaving apart. i cannot explain to you who i am or who i want to be come but if you love me you will be patient. love is understanding and i hope to understand.

you are what you're obsessed with, not what's obsessed with you

I'm teetering
always teetering
between reality and real
the whirl of the pencil in machine, between the grind
skin whittled away, smell of overworked, overused metal on granite
smell of rubber burning underneath my feet, they're motioning
eyes wondering, I stab them into each and every person that walks through the see-through door
I want to know each and every one of you
you do not seem to care about me,
you do not care
and that's why I wanted to leave
So many that love me,
I am loved
If you close your eyes while it's whirling you'll fancy to one side or the other
you'll falter, if you close them long enough you'll fall.

I've never closed them long enough to fall, not even that one time when I was drugged.
There could be twentysomething surrounding me and I'd still pound forward
eyes on nothing, eyes on the motion pictures in front of me
I'm in love with the idea of knowing someone
of finding someone out there, in the middle of themselves, completely consumed in what
they want
who they like, the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, what they eat and how they eat it
whether or not they like to put their hair behind their ears
whether or not they even know who "The Shins" are
something more than just Garden State, maybe.
Even though I want that movie, I want to watch it, try and feel something
I used to want it to become a part of me, I used to want it to be me
used to
When every single picture, every single thing slides you from one emotion to the next
what do you do?
Do you keep on breathing
When voices are saturated, movements so precise
how can you not want it?
How can you not want that kind of exactness, the beautiful way
life is controlled by the actions of others
we want to know, we've fed on the relationships, the pictures, the words and memories and interests
activities of others
staring into an emptied box of wires
images, pixels, centimeters
smudge, burn, sharpen
We Only Always ever See what We Want.
never going for what we might find interesting, we all stifle that which interests us
we forget our "what ifs", we stick to the bare minimums
nudity found sickening, they all want us to find our other
to spit out the epitome of all life
from inside (outside) grow up (get old(own it)) movements
we make what we want, we are who we can fall asleep at night inside, who we silently accept as okay, for now


but when is now no longer just okay
when will you be the one who people stare at for hours
whose activities, interests, relationships, whose face and skin these people want to live in
when will I be who you want me to be
a girl
a pray-er
self assured
a soccer star
sororitized
a dancer
an ambassador
your smile

when I stop whirling, maybe then it will all settle down
will I be there, within all the wood chips
will you find me

this is what happens

love
i would like to really know it...would admirably respect it
humbly
i respect those things that I feel inside
i hold them close and endure
i ignore
i take what little i'm given, imeasureable, incompatible as it is with
my own
i love
until i feel nothing.
because it is
who i am

and it's never enough
i'm scared because, it is not enough


when will it ever be?
does it take until your late 20s, and then, suddenly
will this all make sense?

all the pains
all the ignorance
all the wrongs, spurts of rights, but mostly
wrongs
do they all mesh into a sudden forward sweep of rightness

or is it
rather suddenly, or do we forget,
the innocence we once had?
the rush, is it replaced?  with a general acceptance

do we all just learn to settle?

My entire life i've been outspoken
i've been the muscular "beast" who never felt comfortable in a dress.

I've never felt comfortable.
and if you know me, if you really know "me," i remember you
i could ramble off a list of innately minute things that would bring nothing but silence...my memory is unnerving.
I remember the smell of the first boy I ever kissed,
I remember his smile and his laughter and the maroon t-shirt I had of his forever,
I remember that he mixed scents to make it his own...I remember those days
when they mattered, and it was easy--ier. It just was.
I've felt
things others don't even want
or need
I've felt not
because I've chosen not to feel, that which would make me
just like everyone else.
I stand apart, by my limitations....but they are choosen, not a crutch,
they are wanted, not needed, they are me.

And I am love
and no one I know....
no one I know understands what I feel, but I fall asleep at night
and I listen
and when I lie on the beach
or when I laugh just because
or when i'm with my family

I feel it
differently than i want
differently than i once was


and i wait. i wait despite the fact that i don't want to wait for
IT
but I wait.

whether you like it or not
whether you understand it or not (which you probably and more than likely don't)
i love you
and i remember, so much that it hurts my heart
so much that my head, it aches
so much
i remember your smell, your skin, your tastes, your likes, and passions, and
i remember you.