Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts

Sunday, March 27, 2011

hannah

*I rediscovered these paper I wrote my freshman year of college for my Honors English class and thought that some might be interesting to revisit and share. Sort of as an insight into my budding interest in writing and glimpse at my mindset at the time.*


April 5, 2006

The oddity of her rebirth was that it happened in the middle of the afternoon. Her skin didn't intertwine with the rising sun as in most fairytales; nor did it emerge with the moonlight of an eerie pitch black night. These would have, too soon, foretold the tragedy of her demise. No, she had to burst back to life in the middle of a summer's day,  it would not have worked out otherwise. We secretly refereed to her as "Nymph of the New Ages," our jealousies prevalent in our faces.
No one took notice of her the day she returned, no one but the eldest of the nymphs because it was her rebirth as well. Rebirths are quite the commonality in the place we are bound to. We are bound by the threads of an initial birth rite. By the mystery of the seven hills and the legends that cause its rivers to sparkle and gleam in the darkness we are bound. It's been said that if you launch your transporting device onto these waters, the water creatures will carry you clear out into the middle before swallowing you up. No one leaves because they cannot, the force will not allow it. Gravity determines everyone's fate in the end.
This mysterious creature of the past was rumored to be the niece of Adeona, prophetically known in nymph society as the one who leads the children away for awhile. Adeona was a heroine to most. The eldest of the land passed on the mesmerizing tales of Adeona, about how she teaches each of the children to fly. Never mind the fact that not a single one of the nymphs had ever seen a non-creature with wings before. They'd heard the stories of the goddess so much they knew them as nothing short of truth. Once they learn to fly, they'd continue, she guides them on long, arduous journeys to distant lands and far off places. They fly until their heart's content but always return home after long. These stories secretly made the eldest's heart swell; she was envious of those who could fly. She was envious of those who seemed to just disappear for awhile and return with tones of chocolate etched across their skin. These telltale etchings and whispers of grandeur are what gave mystery to the younger one. The eldest would sneak glances at the younger, searching the exterior of her body in hopes of catching a glimpse of her coveted wings. She yearned to know the younger, to be a part of her somehow.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Eventually the eldest came to know the younger. The youngest was known to travel in a pack of three known kindly by most as the Charities. Sometimes acquiring another here and there, these three are the ones who Adeona had elected from the beginning into her coven. The rest of the nymphs were unaware of their greatness; but to the eldest it was apparent in this one. The eldest and the younger sporadically came together. The younger, blessed with the gift of song, would entrance even the lowliest of nymphs with her beautiful voice. She was not stingy with her gift, as most often were at the time, but saw no harm in sharing it with all. Her voice changed lives; it healed the cripple, sutured broken hearts, and even sent the stoniest of souls into whirlpools of tears. In her frescoes, her colors were vibrant and endless. The rose in her cheeks seemed to splash over her entire body, depending on which light you caught it in. At certain angles one might imagine splashes of crystal blue in her hair, reminiscent of unfinished passions and devilish desires. Things others only saw in paintings, the elder experienced in life. Their time together was brief but impossible to forget.
The eldest seemed to have left them all behind, many were bothered by her departure of sorts. All except the youngest. When they eldest would return home, as all do on occasion until inevitably settling, the youngest would always be there waiting. It fate really that drove these two together. The younger's presence came to be expected by the eldest as often they would spend time inquiring on nature, swinging skillfully through the branches of the greatest wilderness. They dipped themselves fervently into the torrents of the waters and sung great songs of carefree humor and unbounded joy. They dreamed to one day be unbound from this place, but never spoke a word of it to each other. They dare not for fear of those even older then their two ages combined for the elders of their land did not take kindly to those of a wild kindred spirit. The true elders were afraid of the world beyond flight which made the nymphs want it all the more.
The eldest, tired from her mini excursions, returned home one day to discover that the Charities had been called upon by Adeona, it was their time. When she learned of their escape the long ago flames of jealousy again arose within her. She tried to subdue them but knew it was futile; how could one so much younger get what she'd always desired. How had the younger flown before her? How was it possible that the nymph with the skylark's voice had managed to somehow succeed? The eldest was jealous of the Charities' glory; of the youngest's ability to accomplish something she felt she never would and of the two others who were chosen to go with her while she was left behind to grow. While she, the eldest, was left to be just like the rest of them. Just like everyone else. Her insides swelled with anticipation, with expectation of their return. At least, if nothing else, she knew she would finally be told by the youngest what it felt like to fly. She knew when the youngest returned, she would know once and for all the stories she believed in for so long were real. She sent hope and excitement into the air of that summer afternoon; at the moment of her descent she sent prayers of joy into the wings of her youngest angel.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The tales of the monster spread like wildfire throughout the land of seven hills. The eldest heard whispers of how the monster had gobbled up her young, her dear, her sweetest nymph companion. She heard many, many versions of how it happened but in the end one stood true.
The eldest learned that Adeona's visit had come as a surprise to the three. First she had come to her niece, the youngest, with a sly smile that rendered her unintelligible to all. It was said that you never made a move until you found out, for sure, what the smile meant. A flood of commotion, of steam and sparks and clutter fell out of her mouth; excitement pierced the youngest's ears much like a child on a swing set's gleeful scream of delight or a passionate lover's cry of ecstasy. Nothing with Adeona was ever normal, ever monotone, ever without emotion. From the clutter the Adeona proclaimed that today was the day, today the youngest would receive her wings; and not only that but she could pick two of her closest companions to receive theirs as well. she chose the Charities of course.
The story of her flight, however, is where things become a bit cloudy. It is one that few, if any, will ever come close to feeling or being or living. The story of how she flew so close to the water's surface that the very tip of her chocolate-speckled nose could just barely skim the jade blue waters. Her wings of stark white with their tips of blue, it was told, appeared toned and well trained, she flew with a confidence no other understood, with a confidence that even gave Adeona a moment of pause. She looked down into the waters that day, she looked down into her own reflection before she fell and saw in that moment it was made up of us all. She saw her aunt in her fiery eyes, reflecting from far above, she saw the eldest in the flecks of blue in her wings and her sisters in the strength of her arms and legs, she saw her Charities on either side, flying tandem on high, and all the others not with her then composed everything else she was made of. We made up who she was, but really she was the common part within each of us that created that invisible, binding thread. She was bigger than all of us combined, she flew higher than we could ever hope to fly, and yet she was something we each wanted; she was something we could never become. And with that she dove deep into the ocean; and she became immortal.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I decided to write an allegory about my friend Hannah who died in a plane crash this past Christmas break. Some of the more interesting of the symbols in the story and what not are as follows. A nymph is "any member of a large class of female nature entities, sometimes bound to a particular location or landform. They are personifications of the creative and fostering activities of nature." This seemed to fit Hannah, as well as myself (being the eldest in the story), given the fact that we are both women, both teenagers, both born and raised in the small town of Rome, and both felt tied down to it (our hometown). Hannah was creatively artistic, completely full of life, and athletic; no matter what she was always outside involved in something or interacting with someone. She did whatever she could to be a part of life, always fully engaging and investing in every single person she came into contact with. This is just a brief and beginner's understanding of what this is all about; mostly the moral of the story is that Hannah was truly an amazing human being....she broke the mold and redefined the act of friendship and selflessness. She meant something special to everyone and anyone and is unbelievably and unforgettably missed; because she is irreplaceable.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

valentine's challenge

When I think of a day dedicated to love, I think of it all wrapped up in a pint sized little pudge of innocent wonder. I think of the security of being in Gamma's arms and all the adventure's that Granddad holds in the palm of his hand. I think of a rebirth, reawakening; I think of rising up and the One that rose again.
The Paper Mama

Thursday, December 16, 2010

"Goodbye" - Patty Griffin
"today my heart is big and sore, it's tryin' to push right through my skin. won't see you anymore, i guess that's finally sinkin' in..."

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

i enjoy

*I wrote this list two years ago in an online journal long since forgotten. It is amazing how I can read this list and each and every single thing on it still brings a huge smile to my face. I am a simple girl with simple joys in life. :)


Wednesday, March 05, 2008
current mood: blissful
i enjoy

late nights with myself.
the way that a soft tipped pen feels on a clean sheet of paper.
turning my paper sideways to write with my left hand.
phone calls with friends who are hours away.
the fact that they get it and it isn't hard to understand.
that there's a website where you can type in artists you enjoy and it will discover new ones for you.
the sound of my own voice in the shower.
when my eyes well up during worship.
how my dad is always genuinely happy to hear from me.
appreciation, given or received.
the way that tank tops conform to my body.
snuggling in to a warm bed in a cold room.
clean sheets.
a good book that keeps me up until 5 AM because i just, can't, put it down.
the fact that i give a damn good hug.
looking you in the eye and giving you a big smile.
coffee, in its many shapes, designs, formats, and occasions; always coffee.
text message conversations just because.
mango margaritas with maggie.
ice hockey spectating.
coffee shops, especially those that are open 24 hours a day.
the idea of myself, in a coffee shop, at 2 AM cramming for a test with fellow procrastinators.
catching up with an old friend.
that feeling after a good workout.
how much i really miss Rome.
long walks with my Mom.
screaming, talking, laughing at the top of my lungs.
how i always feel compelled to tell the absolute truth.
how i often feel crazy.
listening to two people have an entire conversation and feeling like i was an actual part of it without saying a single word.
facebook stalking.
photographing those moments in life that might have otherwise been forgotten.
making funny faces.
watching home movies of myself and having others be as entertained as i am by, well, myself.
the hope of what's to come.
waking up early.
the generosity of my friends.
discovering myself with him.
playing several hours of uno, and coming out even.
my new, careful obsession with sudoku.
mahjong, spider solitaire, catch phrase, & oceanopoly.
the thought of having children, me as a mother.
taking care of people.
giving back rubs.
the real end of a long arduous fight.
really having a grip on what i want to do next.
thinking about what i'm going to eat next.
slide tackling someone.
popping my ankle and knee.
going shopping, when i have the money and i'm really in the mood...I have to REALLY be in the mood.
love, always.
waking up the neighbors.
when I'm reading the Bible and it really starts to make sense.
my brother and sister.
having a place for everything and everything in its place, at least in my mind.
how you can sing at the top of your lungs at a concert and everyone else is just singing right along with you.
cooking, particularly of the chicken nature.
taking a day off from my routine to sleep.
how goofy i am when i wake up from a nap.
sitting on the couch with my roommate and watching tv.
the fact that i still want to learn to play guitar.
the fact that i know someone else who has just as many idiosyncrasies as i do.
that my best friend misses me just as much as i do him.
16 page long text messages.
that i never thought he existed, and maybe more that he actually does.
pilates, i think.
spaghetti, sushi, green tea, ice cream, quizno's, schroeders, black beans, peanut butter, fajitas & quesadillas.
violet, the color, and forest green too.
being on the outside of a terrible situation.
wearing my glasses and touching my eyeball because i can.
sweatpants and the fact that i just don't care.
hairholders - the best invention ever.
the thing that jason can do with his eyes.
the fact that i can call it a channel changer if i want to.
green apple slushies with real caramel in them - on a hot day of course.
the fact that i can go anywhere in rome and know at least 3-5 people.
how much better it feels after writing it all out.
talents.
hair clips and hot rolling my hair.
my cell phone.
ipods.
receiving flowers on special occasions.
when i actually do something i said i was going to do.
my handy dandy planner.
flossing my teeth while i'm driving.
listening to my ipod while i'm driving.
chewing on ice.
when it's okay to be outspoken.
remembering hannah, joy, & my granddaddy.
singing a duet with my roommate, rachel, jason, page, and whoever else wants to chime in.
my penguin calendar. hazelnut cream candles. incense.
Isabella and how she remembers my name and always runs to give me a hug.
collaging.
having a good idea and attempting a surprise.
Thanksgiving at my grandmother's.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

rome

"Recycled Air" - Postal Service

There are some songs that regardless of where you are, who you are with, and what mood you are in they have the ability to take you right back to driving through your hometown as the sun was just beginning to set. Where everywhere you turned there was someone you knew. Where everyone lined up there lawn chairs on the levee to watch the fireworks on Independence Day. Where you drove with the only intention of seeing and being seen, where everyone is always on the look out for you and you are always on the look out for everyone else.
When you were totally unaware of how soon everything and everyone in your life were about to take the most violent shift out and soon after, everything and everyone that would ever mean anything from then on in your life would shape shift in.
Almost as if you had been living a rather tumorous life without even knowing it and suddenly it ruptured. Underwent emergency transplant. And forever you were broken and reminded of just how fragile this life is and how blessed you are to still be a part it. Rubbing the scar as a reminder of what once was, and these songs cause it to burn as if it were casually reminding you of every single event leading up to this.
And it's overwhelming, the reminder, that those who once consumed your life, your youth, are those you may never see again. Like that tumor you'd grown accustomed to, gone forever. Life is like that, and music is the vehicle that drives my every memory.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Starting Today.

I will begin a "song that fits the day" post. Everyday. Call this the beginning of my 101 in 1001 (which I have yet to finalize and post...I'm working on it, had to do some MAJOR reworkings which I found out I got into la escuela). Sunday afternoons are a very easy free kind of feeling/day for me, they should be for any and everyone. I have recently stumbled/discovered/researched my way to several new bands that I am loving listening to. I will share this song that is playing on my "Recently Added" iTunes list, it's got that easy free feel I was talking about. You can listen while reading the rest of the post if you'd like. :)
http://popup.lala.com/popup
/3531103638910541887


1) I decided to dye my hair a lovely shade of red inspired by the lead singer of "A Fine Frenzy"'s do and her fancy free attitude.

And here is how mine turned out:

Considering my hair was as dark as the night is long, I'd say that this is a pretty good start. I've had a pretty hairy (pun intended) track record when it comes to hair dye. I wish I knew where the pictures of pink, blue, and black days were...alas all I can show you is what happened the last time I tried to dye my hair red (without consulting a professional).

Oh the joys of undergraduate rebellion. Although I am thankful I chose the hair dying route and not other, more permanent means of pent up, small town fervor (tattoos anyone?). I have a great story, great memories, and great friends to go along with each of my hair-dying adventures. Here is a series of photos that sum up each one, and to serve as a reminder to myself later on in life of those who have been and were so supportive as I came to them pleading for fashion help! :)

My dear friend Hannah & I (pictured above going crazy with silly string). We were the masterminds behind the pink & blue hair movement, much to the parental's chagrin.

The night the trio of best friends decided to throw a rather large party (for Rome, GA...) and dye all three of our heads. We were young, ridiculous, and completely in love with each other (we were also lovingly nicknamed "The Triumverant" that evening). One of our last evening ever together until my wedding day. (4 years later)


There were a few other friends who were there along the lineage of my epic color-changing adventures...
Miss. Katastic
& those who allowed me to use there homes to attempt my first (and ONLY) solo dying mission...
dear Ruel-iO. :)

I have to say I was truly blessed with plenty of "wild" & "crazy" friends to indulge and even, sometimes participate in my shenanigans.

This turned out to be a much more epic post than I originally intended but good nonetheless to remember some of the antics & good laughs that were had. Oh life, never ceases to surprise and remind you of how much and more you have to live.

:)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Mom & Dad

Mom & Dad
(Please ignore the cheese level of this video)
This song will forever and always remind me of my mom and dad and of the times leading up to my wedding day. Through the good, the bad, the copious laughter, joy, anger, and tears at times...we definitely each grew in our own, very necessary ways. We are such a close family and it was integral that we each dealt with my marriage the way we did. My mom was such an incredible helper/planner while my dad was what every little girl needs extremely protective and aware of every possible pitfall. I needed to stand on my own, I needed to know that what and who the Lord had put into my life at such as specific time as this was right for me. Not because my parent's said so and not because it was perfectly timed, but because it was in His plan. And He sure has fulfilled a great one not only in my marriage but in the individual lives of my parents as well. They have both grown to embrace and realize the fleeting joy of life. That these joys must be captured and lived out daily, no more sitting behind a desk, in an office alone. There is true understanding, compassion, and deep love in my family now that I have never known how to express or never felt to this true degree before. I am so blessed.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sewing, Strawberries, & Boo-Boo

The Fish Guy works on Sunday through Wednesday late into the night which makes for an interesting (extended!) weekend nowadays until I start school in a few weeks. Therefore, we have Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays together to do his fish tanks, run together, and basically just get into whatever shenanigans we can. Sometimes, well the husband sure can be pretty thoughtful, and he will surrrprise me with the most random wonderfulness ever. He sure does know the way to my heart (and that would be food, sweet smells, & penguins). Here he is upon entering with my special gift.


Yes ma'am these are a bucket full o' fresh picked strawberries. Mammoth in size not to mention the most juiciest fruits you ever did place in your mouth.


It was the most serendipitous of experiences (some random man walked up to he and his friend at the gas station with a business card and the strawberries), although sketchy it was sweet that TFG had a "good feeling" and purchased them because never have I ever placed such a delicious piece of fruit in mi boca.


This past weekend my mini-me oldest niece had her first dance recital!

The whole experience made me nostalgic for my own ballet days. Down to the anticipation of receiving your costumes, wearing make up at the age of 7, and receiving one more extra flower every year we stuck to dance.
(Oh yes, that ridiculously clad one is definitely me)
Made it all worth it, atleast until I could no longer tolerate the monotonous 1st position, 2nd position, plie, grande plie any longer. And then there was modern dance...(cue intense Enya, and water palate unitard). Thank God my mom and dad were so dedicated to the video taping cause. :)
After being inspired again and again by this blog I decided it was time enough for me to try my hand at sewing. True domestication at its finest! I called TFG's mom on a whim and asked if she might want to let me borrow her sewing machine. This weekend, she delivered, and on a lazy Sunday afternoon I unpacked all the goodies and quickly patiently read each and every word.

I proceeded to successfully thread the needle on my fiftyith first try :)

Turned to the first page of beginner's sewing

And began my first attempt at sewing a straight line. (on a torn up piece of one of TFG's ancient of days undershirts)
Hm....the verdicts still out. I haven't lost my fervor/dream yet of making uniquely adorable clothes for my little ones one day. But only time will tell how long this flame will burn after the 100000000 curvy, straight line attempt.

Finally, I will leave you with a picture of TFG's idea of a compromise. He prepared me well in advance for the reality that the Boo-Boo (blanket) I have slept with religiously since I was 2 would be no more. :(

(Make that 1 and a half)
I even thought of giving it to him as a wedding gift, the ultimate symbol of my relinquishing my childish ways (for the MOST part) and giving that which I held most dear to him.


He ended up getting a lovely chess table instead. ;) The sentiment was still there. (I asked to many people their opinion....learned that the hard way) Anywho, I walked into our room the other night to find TFG caressing my Boo-Boo, taunting me really. (Ever since we've been married he's lived in the top of our closet) Seeing my security blanket left me whimpering like a small child. So instead of giving it to me (regardless of MUCH begging and pleading) I moped out of the room and returned to find this.

TFG's bear Fred wrapped in Boo-Boo. Okay, okay I cave I guess I'll snuggle TFG instead. For today :)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Dress

Firstly, I would like to share these photos for sentiment's sake. These are from probably, exactly one year ago this month when I received my wedding dress. When I picked it out in the first place it was a cumulative effort between my mom, sister, and I. Seeing as how I am fashionably illiterate I look to those two to help decide sway what I should/should not wear. The dress I choose was actually one my mom practically forced me to try on. I despised the beads, the poofiness factor, and the material but once I put it on and they assured me they could modify that which I despised (beads/material). It was an easy peasey, quick and painless done deal. The really cool thing about the whole process was that Jason's sisters and I all got our dresses from the same store in town (and I just went to find their website online and apparently they recently changed the name...lol so it goes). I'm not going to lie, this fact definitely determined swayed my decision to get my dress from them. I am a sucker for tradition and sweet little ironies like so. While I was admiring my soon-to-be purchased dress in the mirror who happens to walk by the store front window but my future brother-in-law...and The Fish Guy had almost come with him! (he was on the way to the Sprint store) Anyways it was a slightly awkward, slightly reassuring occurrence. He gave his familial stamp of approval and TFG's sister proceeded to fume later about how he had seen it before her...
All of this to say when my newly satin, beadless dress finally came in I wanted those women & man closest to me (my mom, The Fish Guy's mom, his & my sister, & my daddy) there to experience it. These couple of pictures pretty much sums up the experience and goofy, giddiness of my family. We are not much for emotional tears, just lots of laughter.

Can you guess which one is my mom? (hint: we're practically twins, 23 years separated)

TFG's mom & sister (she gave birth to the cutie in yesterday's blog about a month after this photo)

I did not intent for this post to turn into a lengthy remembrance of a series of incredibly painless joyful experiences but I am thankful it did. Tomorrow, strawberries and sewing machines!

EDIT:

I decided to include a FINAL PRODUCT picture on this blog entry. Given the degree of "hot messedness" I looked like when we went to pick up my dress that day. This is my daddy and I right before entering the chapel to get marrried. :)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

baby sasen

This weekend Jason's parents shared the most lovely of discoveries with us childrens. They somehow unearthed a cassette tape of little Jason (2 years old) singing "Happy Birthday" to himself. Followed by the most adorable rendition of "Jesus Loves Me" a full heart has ever heard. My sweet love had the worst time when he was little with his tonsils so he had THE stuffiest, most pitiful little man voice ever. If it's possible, I fell deeper in love with him as we sat on that couch listening to my husband's joyfully free little spirit. An extra cool part...it was exactly one week after I was born. Hearing my now husband's 2 year old voice made me realize how incredibly intriguing life is. There he was about to move to Trinidad with his little family and I was just six days old. And now here we are, married, and making a life of our own where one day our sweet little ones will sing to themselves and somewhere out there another little one will be taking his/her first breath. And that might just be the little one who one day creates our grandchildren.



The power of a little voice and a song sure is a powerful thing :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

a break & discovery

Given the extent of stress I have been under this week, having taken my certification exam this past yesterday and STILL waiting to hear from GA State...This past weekend was a very much needed, refreshing, dream world of Love. What can I say about "Prepared to Last" other than it was a series of fantastic talks with AMAZING, no seriously AMAZING people. Our group was filled with this kinetic energy that everyone said had never been experienced before. Jeff and Debbie far and away exceeded my expectations--they were HILARIOUS, brutally and beautifully honest, and just FILLED with so much truth. I truly grasped the concept that if I spent my life (God willing) worry soley about Jason's needs (and he mine) we would never have to worry about our SELF again. This weekend I met some truly amazing couples (Team Ariel!!) and opened up and entirely new place in my heart for my love to enter in. It was a weekend filled with prayer, communication, plenty of Laughter, and more and more grace and reassurance from God that Jason and I are on the right path. :)

And now...pictures!
relying on one another to dominate the ropes course (this was jason's favorite)

practicing before our second try

complete Dickson/Shank domination :)

He loves me :)

We won. (of course) We had to write our dream vacation, mine was "Greece, where it's all white and blue and H2O" and Jason's was "Diving in Australia" :)

Team Ariel. All of Us.

Team Ariel pushing the Chik Fil A van out of the mud (all Jason's idea)

Belaying Us

Us from above (Self portrait #12930834234)

Amanda and John dominating the high ropes!!!

After we rushed back from our run and got ready in mere moments...our lovely selves at our dinner date.

Jason and I both agree that this was by far the most amazing weekend we have had together, honestly ever. We spent so much time on each other and with God and amongst a group of fantastic couples and INCREDIBLE staff. Winshape has really been one of if not the most incredible blessing in my life. I continue to be amazed by all that God has given and continue to reveal to us. :) :) :)

Sunday, October 1, 2006

this is what happens

love
i would like to really know it...would admirably respect it
humbly
i respect those things that I feel inside
i hold them close and endure
i ignore
i take what little i'm given, imeasureable, incompatible as it is with
my own
i love
until i feel nothing.
because it is
who i am

and it's never enough
i'm scared because, it is not enough


when will it ever be?
does it take until your late 20s, and then, suddenly
will this all make sense?

all the pains
all the ignorance
all the wrongs, spurts of rights, but mostly
wrongs
do they all mesh into a sudden forward sweep of rightness

or is it
rather suddenly, or do we forget,
the innocence we once had?
the rush, is it replaced?  with a general acceptance

do we all just learn to settle?

My entire life i've been outspoken
i've been the muscular "beast" who never felt comfortable in a dress.

I've never felt comfortable.
and if you know me, if you really know "me," i remember you
i could ramble off a list of innately minute things that would bring nothing but silence...my memory is unnerving.
I remember the smell of the first boy I ever kissed,
I remember his smile and his laughter and the maroon t-shirt I had of his forever,
I remember that he mixed scents to make it his own...I remember those days
when they mattered, and it was easy--ier. It just was.
I've felt
things others don't even want
or need
I've felt not
because I've chosen not to feel, that which would make me
just like everyone else.
I stand apart, by my limitations....but they are choosen, not a crutch,
they are wanted, not needed, they are me.

And I am love
and no one I know....
no one I know understands what I feel, but I fall asleep at night
and I listen
and when I lie on the beach
or when I laugh just because
or when i'm with my family

I feel it
differently than i want
differently than i once was


and i wait. i wait despite the fact that i don't want to wait for
IT
but I wait.

whether you like it or not
whether you understand it or not (which you probably and more than likely don't)
i love you
and i remember, so much that it hurts my heart
so much that my head, it aches
so much
i remember your smell, your skin, your tastes, your likes, and passions, and
i remember you.