grey, always, but not necessarily in a bad way or place

Oh how things can change here in milledgeville...in a matter of days.
Days here last for weeks I swear to you.

My life is nothing like what I had pre-planned, but I believe that to be a good thing. I'm not necessarily making informed, grown up decisions...but they are thought out, growing up ones...and that's good enough for me.

Sometimes i'm smitten, sometimes i'm annoyed, often times (especially lately) i'm inspired...i've laughed more in the past 3-4 days then I have in a good while...i'm working out every day, and it feels good.

It's almost fall. I cannot wait.
Everything's grey. It's smeared and smudged and the lines are all blurred. But it's an understandable and congruent kind of blurry...a blurry I can mesh and kink out...a grey with no certain future, but a pleasant present.
It's called being young, and I've never really allowed myself to live it,
let's see how long this lasts.

i'm ready

"Save a place for me
Save a space for me
in your heart

Cause if you wait
I will come for you
If you wait"

If you wait in the silence long enough...if you can not pay attention to the stillness, if you don't let it bother you and you just...wait. Something beautiful will come of it.

I'd forgotten how amazing hidden tracks could be...and i'm exhausted.

"I'm Ready + Save a Place for Me" - Tracy Chapman

the difference

the difference between you and i is,
that even when i lay in bed at night, even if i shed a tear, it is not in vain
the words i feel, the emotions i evoke...they are real, untainted, and full
they are full of life and reality and truth...whereas yours are meshed
meshed in drugs and selfish sex and lies...
lies to those you once loved "so true"
those you once sang a song or two to
lies
and though you may not mind
though you may sleep at ease at night because you've got a warm whisper laying by your side
though you may, if you're one of the lucky, never realize the damage you've done
we all feel it

we all feel

even when you feel nothing, when you feel no pain
no evidence
no guilt
no horror
no reality
no love

we feel.
and that
is the difference.
so sleep well at their side
sleep comforted in the arms of someone else, and someone else, and another
another again
and when that fleeting memory, if ever, causes you to stir
causes you to question, if ever, your soul
less ness
(which i seriously doubt will ever occur)
but realize
life is so much easier
then the drugs you pump into your plumped self
life is lean
and quick
and painless
and joyful
and hope...something you know very little of

i feel sorry for those who are intitled to care
for you
because it's almost hopeless, a necessity of such magnitude.
get a life, leave me alone, forever....and ever amen
thank you ben folds
music...have you forgotten how much that meant to me? or did you ever care for more than a passionless touch from you...later on that is.

and Jesus loves me...that's the one thing
even now
right

now
i have yet

to forget
haven't completely grasped yet, all of it,
and i know i never will
but at least
i can escape into the reality

of something truly real
where as you

what of it?
drugs, and selfish sex, and

lies.

i will not reserve the right
for you
of being, or ever becoming
"my sweetest downfallen"
so smile on, glazed eyes, matted hair, blackened undereyes...
you lose in the end..and i could care, but why evoke those emotions
into one who feels nothing
or little
but drugs, and selfish sex
and sex
and lies.

i choose love my dear, and i don't miss you, like i said

don't call me when you're drunk, just leave me alone.