I've never felt so heartbroken
never felt so inept
never felt so embarrassed, disrespected and regret
as if i were thrown in the gutter
tossed carelessly aside
as all the others sit and wonder how, what, when, and why?

...I've never been called to question
and now i don't know what i would say
twisted and turned, pulled completely out of my life
totally ripped away
for what?

does it feel better now
to be without
is it nice to know you've broken me
completely
is it nice to know i feel so small

and it's worse because i know you, love you
it's worse because i know it'll never be the same
it's worse because i'm aching from a punch i never asked to be thrown
it's worse because i'm sick at my stomach
it's worse to feel ashamed

before we turn...

when things are as hard as hard can get
and life is filled with paths that seem directionless
and people are disappointing and dreams so far away
i often sit and daydream of the turns i could've made.
i wonder what it'd be like to step upon the stage
with a microphone and breath
filled with the words i need to say.
how surely i would sing it
as each note it certainly played.
i know my heart would be completely
fullfilled with each new day.
or if i spent them all
behind a counter grinding beans
tamping, twisting, pulling
designing delights with every stream.
i'd been entirely content
to serve your daily fix of 'ffeine.
and spend the evenings dreaming flavors
scent of coffee all around.
or if i just decided to embark upon the thing
that guides my steps and builds me up
assured sanity.
if i chose instead to decipher, how 1 & 1 make 3...
and despite all this i'm fighting
both external and within
to be what I know is meant for me
and will be in the end.
so regardless of the hardships
misunderstanding
and the rage.
i'll keep on seeking truth and know
these healing hands will stay.

"Turn to Stone" - Ingrid Michaelson

a truth i'd like to remember, written by a friend.

A person's loss of faith isn't an assertion to be taken lightly, and certainly not one that is express without a lot of introspection; a dismissive response only mitigates the gravity of the situation. Most important is to come to an understanding of the person's mindset and their view of the situation, and then help them as best we can to come closer to their own conclusions, without forcing them one way or the other, but also without compromising on the truth. Only God can save someone, and so my effort should not be to rescue them so much as it should be to stay with them through the darkness, watch the daybreak with them, and let God do what He will throughout. In these situations, the faithful are called not to force the person out of the sea and into the vessel, but tread the water with them until they start swimming on their own, in whatever direction, and where ever they end up, remain a loyal friend and a faithful witness to the love of Christ, however they receive it. We need not feel responsible for another's salvation, only for our steadfast witness to the Gospel.

Obituary (assignment written in class today)

Lauren Taylor Shank Born April 18, 1987 – February 27, 2012

Lauren was born and raised in Rome, Georgia the first child of Dave and Susan Dickson. Her daddy raised her on great music and good food from the grill. He loved her giddy personality and cultivated an arduous and honest spirit in her little soul. Her Moma was also her best friend. Igniting the spit-fire, unabashing zest for life that was the very foundation for who she was and for what she is most clearly remembered. She is survived by her two siblings, Page & David for whom she was both fiercely loyal and joyfully proud. Lauren, most affectionately known to her hometown as “LD” was a local soccer star and vocal aficionado in her youth group at TUMC. LD’s spirit was truly personified on the soccer field as a “dominator”, “the wall”, and more clearly “the stopper” she worked to her very last breath defending her fellow teammates and the goal, a direct testament to how she lived every day of her life. Church members remember her best of the young woman who would return home from college and “fill the little chapel with her beautiful melodies and outrageous laughter.”

Lauren had recently become the wife of Jason Shank, whom she met rather humorously in the heat of the summer of 2007 wearing a mere chef’s coat and her trademark extra-large grin. Jason & Lauren were rather opposite and yet he completely complimented, accentuated, and made up all that was the very best of who she was. He was the other portion of her puzzled present and the missing face in all of her futures. He was to be the father of her future 6 children and the master of all of her “insanities”.

Lauren was truly, fully, and completely loved. And loved even more so in return.

the given.

and then life
in it's unexpected everpresent twist
turns and speaks
unwielding, straight into your space.
as if in some feeble attempt
offering himself completely
to you.
in a dead sprint, lungs burning
from the tears and the cool, crisp wind.
from the smoke billowing
out of her deep dark, limitless skies.
mountain peaks whisper to little hands clasped
in wonder, and inevitable wander speak
lengthy shadows both make.
to think life
with its twin hearts, scattered about like dandelion seeds
blown by the breaths of too many to name
tamely & twisted.
thunderous applause from the gawkers, the lookers, the seekers
the sook.
oh life

with his and her feet rooted
firm
sure
as the sun.
and the stars.
in every single knight's sky.
as she stared
as she waited
as she lived
lost
forgiven
forgot
remembered
the good
and life how it gave
completely given.

"Nemesis" - David Gray

inside/out

there are times when your heart seems to spill out of your head
scattering broken bits & sentences, as you try to speak
to complete a well structured thought, composure seeking, eyes dry
standing firm on the basis of a hope held inside.
there are times when your lips split and blood pours right out on the ground
from hours of sleeplessly searching the town
from minutes and moments you counted not lost
and those you kept dreaming, would awake in the frost.
there are times your steps trembled and muscles did ache
from hearts pounding, breathes bursting, barefoot & blistering
through the hills you went looking, all ye faithful careening
stumbled
tumbled
bumbled
so open.
so clear.
so free & yet so
contained.

"Faithful" - Me'shell Ndegeocello

created

God has given you the air,

so fly.

On freedom
and the proverbial journey of us taking flight
so easy it seems to get a little sidetracked, a little forgetful, just a little bit sinful every now and then.
Until suddenly something, as simple even as a missed breath or a flutter of the heart--how it displaces rather swiftly the very ease with which we piddle through our days.
How we realize just how fragile and final we all really are, without, it.
On freedom
and the choice we have to pick up our broken wings
and whether or when we choose to sing-if ever we even so much as dare to open our mouths
rather silently we idle....always moving and still forever standing, still.
I cannot explain for the life of me what it is I wish to say-- exactly, other than this constant nagging in your heart to be more, see more, do more, live more, want more. The want inside to do and be and see and live and love and give completely of yourself daily. Ever single inch of it. Is something so much more than a simple cell can explain.

don't let anyone don't let anything hold you back.